2012 KSSL - The Classic: Preview

Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)

2012 Classic: Preview

We are just mere days away, before all holy war breaks loose. The day every small child in the west end of St. John's has had circled on their calendar since last August, the day that every grown man with a two inch beer gut has been salivating for all season. Yes, that's right, the Classic has finally arrived and it's gonna be an apocalyptic disaster for most of the people involved, and the rapture for the few remaining. What side will you be on?

This year brings us the KSSL's fifth all star event/drunkfest in it's ten year history (the "first" Classic was merely an Olympic "instrumental" experiment). Fanfare is at an all time high, with attendance expected to shatter previous years records - weather permitting, of course. In it's short history, Kilbride has had the upper hand on everyone, winning the whole shebang three times. They like to rub it into all the other teams that “if you’re not from Kilbride, ya wants to be!”. Spoken like a true skeet from Skane’s Avenue! They’ve held their main adversary, the mighty Waterford Valley, at bay for years.        

If you're not from Kilbride, ya wants to be!

The Valley have choked their way through countless defeats year after year, whether it was blowing a final inning lead in the championship game in the inaugural Classic, or jumping out to a quick five-spot before falling mercilessly, in another. These lovable losers are starting to grow stale.

The only other previous Classic champions are the dark horses of dark horses, the Misfits. These guys shocked the world, Ala the Miracle on Ice, back in ‘09, winning the whole thing after they whipped both Valley and Kilbride in consecutive games. Can they shock the world once more?

The final team are the Old Sam Generals, formerly known as the Rejects, a team that is sovereign to no one. Their only allegiance is to each other. Next year they may jump ship and call themselves Go Fuck Yourself! You never know what these fuckers are up to.

All right, now it’s time to break this shit down a little further. First up are the former Classic champs, the Misfits who are looking to take down their second Classic title and this year they're gonna get a little help from an old friend, original team captain, Dwayne Prince - who is making his triumphant return after a two year sabbatical. That's the good news. Now on to the bad...former championship players Chris "Sharky" Whelan, Dexter Spurrell, Jason Hedges and Blair "Blart" Marshall will be out of action for an assortment of reasons. Others missing in action include Ross Courtney and Robin "Evil Twin" Courtney. These are some major losses.

Now let's talk about their infield, Keety Pope will take over 3rd base from Dexter, former captain Adam Smith (after missing last years events) will anchor short, Scott Murph will be over at 2nd, Mike Baird will start at 1st (is he even playing though?), in Bairdo's absence Brad Williams will take  his place, and team captain Jimmy Fitz will be on the mound. Brad and Junior will probably rotate at catcher. Solid stuff.       

Will the absence of Shark doom the Misfits?

The Misfits outfield will have Freddy Cox in left, Classic legend Princey in center, Mike Stoyles in right, and Mike Brock wandering around in rover. Not that bad but how will Princey hold up after his long absence? Is the player "pushing" 40, over the hill? We shall see. 

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists the Misfits odds of winning the Classic at 10-1.

The Misfits Will Win If...

- Princey plays like a 35 year old Princey.

- Adam Smith, who has been on a prolonged slump since his return from his homeland, returns to old form, playing his usual top notch softball, whether it's hitting gapper's or making solid plays in the field.

- Mike Brock continues the torrid pace he's been on in the past month of the season (arguably the best hitter in August).

- Someone else (Scott Murph? Bairdo?) picks up some of the slack that Sharky left behind,

CVD Prediction

4th place. Too many no shows: The Gold Glover, The Speedsters, The Big Bats; an aging center fielder, a slumping top dog shortstop. Too many questions...

Next up are the Generals. After passing the baton off to Eddy Power last year, Ched Whelan once again returns as captain for this sad crew. As some of you may remember, there was a bit of controversy surrounding Old Sam's in last years Classic when Kilbride intentionally walked Ryan Foley, with two outs and the winning run on 3rd, to face Corey "Goy Boy" Goyman. The former Classic hero let his disgust be known by this "cowardly" move. Ched is so sick of the dirty tactics by the other teams that he's chosen to take back the reigns he relinquished last season. Is Ched gonna be a man on a mission and take all his pain out on his former team?

Old Sam's infield will consist of former KSSL player Neil Murphy on 3rd base, spare, and the only player in KSSL History drafted by the Major League ("Padres, baby!" *Aaahahahaha!*), Jonny Dawe on short, last season's Playoff MVP Ryan Foley on 2nd, someone from the likes of Jason Murphy, Sheldon Cooper or George Lane (who?) on 1st, and Weiner "I Still Don't Know Your Actual Name" behind the backstop. I have no idea who will be their pitcher. A huge decision for the "Boss" to make.

A happy Ched = Victory

Their outfield, which is looking pretty solid on paper, will be Ched out in left, Dave "Dort" Penney in center, Sebastien Vallin in right and Steve Brown at rover. They may mix things up a bit by possibly playing Brownie over in right and Shelly may get a look somewhere in the outfield as well. So there's definitely some depth out there if one of their regulars has to sit. Rumor has it that Dort re-aggravated his bum wrist at hockey this week. Weeks ago, the living legend himself, "Big Barrell" Bas Whelan, smoked Dortski into the boards, shelving the CF for a week. In the time sense then, his batting average has plummeted. Now with this latest news, the real question is can he tough it out and play? How effective will he be if he plays? Dort may need to take a cortisone shot to get through the day. This is a major hurdle they may have to overcome.    

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Old Sam's odds of winning the Classic at 11-1.

Old Sam's Will Win If...

- Ched regains his composure and his past Classic heroics.

- Ryan Foley fucks off only trying to hit homers and by concentrating on actually making solid level contact.

- Dort and Brownie (another recent injured player) sort out their injuries and get on base consistently.

- a pitcher is "discovered" by at least the second game.

- Jonny Dawe plays like the player the Padres "drafted" (*Aaahahahaha!*)

CVD Prediction

3rd place. The former MLB draftee (*Aaahahahaha!*) will get these guys "over the top" and out of the cellar.

JJ Dray rallying his troops

Kilbride: The loudmouths. Kilbride: Superiority Complex Personas. Kilbride: Dirt. Filth. Ugly. Kilbride: WINNERS.

Say what you want about these fella's, but these "kids" know how to fucking win. Heart, grit and honor. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. They'll stab you in the front, not in the back. That's the way it be's! Team captain, and sober extraordinaire, James B. Rodden has put together a savvy bunch of arseholes, who like to scream, shout and drink beers (well some of 'em, anyways). Throughout all of this, Jimmy has created a winning formula. Three time Classic winners, the Briders are going for the three peat, while becoming a Quad Squad.

Kilbride's infield consists of Kirk "Stitz" Stoyles at 3rd, Classic defensive MVP Jimmy at short, Jonny Murphy at 2nd, Luke Stoyles at 1st, and Billy Gorman behind the mound. Super catcher Phily Grouchy will be behind the plate, with Mental Murphy possibly subbing in as pitcher and catcher. One of the questions is whether Stitz can even play 3rd. His shoulder has been fucked for weeks now so you may see Jason Thompson slide over in his place. Another possible problem is, can Jonny Murphy actually stay sober enough to play the field later in the day?    

Will karma come back to haunt Scotty?

In the outfield, "Ole Gimpy" Scott Howell man's left field, the ageless wonder JJ Dray roams center, Jeff Murphy is in right, and Moe Smith plays his usual rover. Thompson will probably get his looks in the outfield as well. Like most teams, there are a couple of questions Kilbride are going to have to answer to. Will Scott Howell's complacency be his downfall? Will another injury to Jeff "Brittle Bonez" Murphy hinder his performance?

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Kilbride's odds of winning the Classic at 2-1.

Kilbride Will Win If..

- D! D! D! D! D!

- they play collectively as a unit (as they always do).

- they keep their leadership skills at a maximum (as they always do).

- they stay young for another day (they're old as fuck!).

- they get a bitta luck.

CVD Prediction

2nd place. Age and luck will finally run out for them...

Waterford Valley: Four Time "Best Team on Paper". Waterford Valley: Four Time Quitters. Waterford Valley: Four Time Losers.

Every year these sulkers are considered the best of the bunch, the crème de la crème, and yet every year their Classic dreams end in agony, numbness, shame, and complete misery. A dystopian society...As the great Dennis Lyxzén once said, these kids "lack the motion to move to the new beat!".

Koo: Future hot dog eating champion?

The mighty Valley's infield looks like a doozy (on paper!), with Gold Glover's a-blazing! Andrew "Aoo" Condon will be throwing his body around on 3rd, Dave Pike will be using his long length to clean up everything hit towards him, self-proclaimed "Commish", Steven "Skinny" Whitten will be commish-ing balls into his glove, and former triple crown winner Rick Smith will be using his large body over on 1st. Steve 'Splinter" Kenny and Chris Jacobs will probably be sharing duties behind the mound and plate.

The outfield looks like another doozy (on paper!) with another triple of Gold Glover's a-blazing! Kevin "Koo" Condon and Robert Smith will probably share left and center field duties, Gord Payne will play over in right, and team captain Tommy Harris will be stomping around in rover. What a team (on paper!)! Questions, questions, questions? Can these losers actually win? Can these sulkers finally learn leadership skills, rather than crawling back under the rock they came from, when the going gets tough? Will these guys finally "man up" and not let Kilbride bully them into submission? Will these losers finally fight back and get dirty themselves? Maybe it's time for this group of losers to stop being the nice guys and give Kilbride a little bit of their own medicine! Can Splinter and Tommy let bygones be bygones, for the good of the team?

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Valley's odds of winning the Classic at 5-2.

Valley Will Win If...

Can Valley turn that frown upside down?

This is the year Tommy Harris is healthy; this is the year Rick Smith is back to leading the league in hitting (now only if he could fuck off hitting home run outs!); this is the year Aoo Condon finally cracks the top 5 in batting; this is the year Pikey fields the way he does down at Caribou; this is the year Steve Kenny returns to his past glorious angry, bitter, asshole self; this is the year Koo Condon finally takes down the crown as hot dog eating contest winner (his, oh so, very treasured conquest!); this is the year Robbie Smith is finally capable of stringing together somewhat coherent sentences past 10 p.m; this is the year Jakes starts poking the odd ball over to left field; this is the year Gordo...no wait, Gordo sucks this year...so, next!; this is the year that Skinny Whitten started missing games, only to return in recent weeks because the Commish declared, "Enough is enough! We're winning the fucking Classic!".

CVD Prediction

1st place. Champions of the '12 Classic. This is the year that the boys in yellow, V-A-L-L-E-Y, win the Classic. They will be screaming "Bang, bang, bang, bang! Vamanos, vamanos! All. Night. Long.

MVP

The 11th man, the Valley fans. people like little 11 year old Johnny, from Perlin Street; little 7 year old tee-ball sensation Suzy from Lester's Street, and absentee (but he will be there in spirit) Chris Murphy. This goes out to all of you!

Final Note

When all the games are said and done, when all the anger from the losing squads has subsided, we will all gather up our belongings, go back for a few games of darts, have a lotta laughs, eat some cheap pizza, and drink a substantial amount of fucking beers. Just remember this, "and the card attached would say, 'thank you for being a friend'".

See y'all at the field, bright and early tomorrow, at 9 a.m. Good night, and good luck....

2012 KSSL Week 6 Report

  Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)

The Adventures of Cletus Van Damme

Molly Bennett

Hello good people of Kilbride, and surrounding neighborhoods, it's your resident sports talking hero, Cletus Van Damme, back from a long winded vacation/bender of epic proportions. I apologize for taking so long to report back on the exploits of the KSSL, but I have good reason for the delay, I swear! What have I been up to since we last talked? Well...you can definitely say I was up to no good, performing in all sorts of debauchery and making a complete fool of myself, but in the end, a man was reborn! Or was he? Jehovah be may savior!

Riley Reid

Let's start from the beginning, in early June, after receiving a very generous sum of money from my recently deceased Aunt, I hopped on a plane and took a red eye straight for Woodland Hills, in the depths of La La Land, the home of the porn stars. You know when some stupid fucker wins the lottery, or falls into some heavy cash, they always get asked shit like, "Hey, man, it's so awesome you won the lottery! What's the first thing you're gonna buy?". This is then proceeded by the redundant and cliché (yes, we all know Asians suck at driving!) answers of, "I'm gonna buy momma a new house!" or "I'm going to feed the poor!" or some shit about paying off student loans or the mortgage. Well I say, fuck that shit! I'm chillin' with whores of Babylon, baby! And you know fucking what, that's what I did!

Remy LaCroix

Check this little hottie out, Molly Bennett 18 years old, 100% natural and her shit tastes like butter. She gets the CVD seal of approval! Riley Reid, 21 years old, super trippy whore, who loves acid. Good times! Remy LaCroix, 24 (I know, I know, a little old but beggars can't be choosers....right?) anal whore extraordinaire...conquered! When you have the money, you can buy these whores for what seems to be a small expenditure.

Attempting to get some True Blood

After a week of blissful debauchery, It was time to take the short ride down to Tinsel Town, where I attempted to make some new high end connections. As you can see I hung out with Anna Paquin (True Blood, 25th Hour, X-Men), who refused to bed me, and two guys who starred in The Shield - Michael Chiklis and Jay Karnes. For some crazy reason people say I resemble some ugly fucker from that show. I call bollocks on that one, though. Next up you can see me borrowing someone's Oscar and taking a picture with Sir Elton John and Ray McKinnon. I have to say Elton was a total asshole. Dude refused to give me even one note of "Hold Me Closer Tiny Dannnnnnncer!" or "Yellow Brick Rooooooooooooad!'. Fuck him.

Hanging with the guys from The Shield

After getting kicked out of the after party (it turned out that I did in fact rob the Oscar), due to my extreme lack of sobriety, I started walking down an alley, with piss and shit running down my pants, when I literally (or as Chris Traeger would say, LIT-TRALLY) stumbled into a man name Ezekiel. E looked down upon me, shaking his mighty fists, declaring that the Lord had giveth and now he has taketh it away from me. How profound...At this point, I was really having a shitty day. I recently discovered I contracted the clap from fucking all those dirty, but lovely, whores, I only had a c-note remaining of my fortune, piss and shit was dripping down my trousers, and now, on top of everything, some Jesus freak, who was wearing a fedora and an eye patch, was all over me. Talk about scrapping at the bottom of the barrel. Then out of nowhere, a bloody light shone down before me and E declared that I was cleansed from all of my sins? What that fuck did I do? Was it a flashlight? Beats me, but whatever. E then started talking about Damascus and all this biblical bullshit and how the Lord is my prayer. Sure,

Oscar time with Sir John and Ray McKinnon

whatever dude. I just need the first train outta Dodge, man, so I rode with it. E took me to his worship palace, a "Kingdom Hall", overwhelming me with his deity. Creepy shit. Worst of all, I find out that the Kingdom Hall is the home of the Jehovah's...that's right, my Public Enemy #1. Arrggh...seriously could things get any worse? How am I gonna work this shit out? E explained to me how they were going to make me the poster child to their new campaign (aka propaganda) - REDEMPTION! I told him I was all pure in heart and how I was a true believer. I gave him what he wanted to hear. I was making wine out of water, Jehovah, please take my hand! E then sent me to the International headquarters located in Brooklyn, New York, where I shot these incredible cheesy photos for REDEMPTION! They posted this shit all over the Jehovah communities, and it blew up nearly as big as Linsanity. After two weeks of this, they finally handed me a few rolls of dollars and as soon as "lights out" happened that night, I slipped out the back of the International Kingdom Hall HQ, hopped on a cab and headed straight for JFK. Now, I'm finally back into warmer waters...



                          

Team Reports

Alright, now that everything is settled let's talk about what has gone down in my absence.

Blair Marshall: Most improved?

After a slow start to the season, filled with nothing but excuses by team captain Jonny Murphy ("We're missing our top two picks, waaaah!"), the Lumber, aka Team Fun, have finally started to live up to their self-proclaimed expectations. Team Fun currently sit in 2nd place in the league standings at 3-3. Their top three picks, the trio of Robert Smith/Dave Pike/Andrew Condon, all currently rank in the top 10 in hitting, but it's the little guys who have been really helping their crew so far in the early portion of the season. Guys like Chris Ryan Jr. who is currently hitting a cool .500. Brad Williams, the KSSL career leader in worst batting average, is hitting an astonishing .280. That's like a .500 clip for anyone else. Then there's one of the bigger stories of the season, Blair "Blart" Marshall. If he's not diving for balls behind the backstop, this descendant from the Mokwaioka Tribe (That's racist!) is ripping singles and doubles. Marshall has been hitting so well this season that his average has actually been taking a noise dive the past couple of weeks, even though he's been going 3/6 in games. Just wait until CVD predicted MVP Jason Hedges really heats up. A championship could be on the horizon.

 

This is what .333 does to you

 The last time we talked, there was much discussion based on Billy Gorman's miserable captaincy winning percentage. Back then it sat at .333 and as of these writings it is still .333. Hey, Billy, I 'spose it could be worse! Johnny's are tied for last place in the league at 2-4. What is there to say about these guys? Nothing much, really. Derek Fleming and Craig Sheppard are leading the team in hitting but they have a combined 11 at bats so they have been essentially spares up to this point. The teams top pick Adam Smith has been doing what he's paid to do. He is leading their regulars, hitting .450 and playing solid ball at short. Dave Penney has been one of those really solid picks. I'm not exactly sure where he got drafted, it was probably in the mid to later rounds, but he's been playing some good D and hitting .438. Dexter Spurrell is the only other player of notice, hitting .400. Johnny's has a couple of real stinkers up to this point. Billy, himself, has been struggling only hitting .187. Luke Stoyles, one of the more consistent performers over the league's history, has been a dismal .154 at the plate. One of the KSSL's new additions Pat Silver is hitting a league worst .083. Come on!

After starting the year off flying on all cylinders, Kilbride Taxi have completely fallen off track, losing four games in a row and sit tied for last place at 2-4. These losers have made losing look, well, pretty damn laughable. They've lost three games in a row by more than 10 runs and things took an even turn for the worst when they were shutout, that's right shutout, by Johnny's Fish & Chips (there were talks that this may have been the first shutout in KSSL history but there was at least one before. Billy also tossed a shutout in the first season). Simply pathetic. Where does it start? Well, I suppose, you can say, it starts from the top. Team captain Moe Smith hasn't exactly been lighting it up, hitting just .333 - well below his career average. Moe has also managed only one home run (a HR which actually hurt his team). CVD favorite, and predicted batting champ, Gord "Bring The" Payne, has been doing anything but bringing the pain this year. A .227 average simply proves this. Robbie Leamon, whom I had high hopes for this season seems to be in about an 0 for three games slump, popping out to the left fielder, every.single.time. Use the field, man! Last year's playoff hero, Ryan Foley, is batting an atrocious .087 - next to worst in the league. It doesn't help the cause when Foley shows up to the field with smears of puke pasted to his cheeks. Rick Smith, JJ Dray and Scott Howell seem to be the only ones doing anything for this albatross of a team. All three are in the top 10 in hitting. After looking like a team to be reckoned with after the first two weeks of the season, Kilbride Taxi are starting to resemble anything but.

Chris Murph: The New Gwynn?

Ched: MVP?

 The reigning two-time champs are steam rolling through the league, losing only one game in six weeks. Team captain, Ched Whelan has been leading the way with a league leading 4 homers and 15 RBI's. Ched is the front runner for the league's MVP. Top picks Tommy Harris and Koo Condon have been living up to their billing, as well. Those persistent rumors, before the year began, regarding Tommy becoming a "Pizza Boy" have proven false. Other players contributing have been two good ol' boys from Kilbride, Mike Baird and Mike Brock. Both players are hitting their spots. Okay, so we must be through with talking about how awesome these guys are right? Well there is the fella who is currently leading the entire league in batting, Chris "C Player!" Murphy. Murph is ripping apart the league hitting .611 (Save it for the Classic!). If Jimmy Rodden, Mental Murphy and Joey Cole ever get their bats going, watch the fuck out, folks.

The talk of the league this year has been, what in the fuck is wrong with Gordo? Gordo, where are you, dude? There's been a high alert ABP out for you. Gordo, before his recent slump, was probably on a 50 game streak with two hits or more, now... Steve Kenny was overheard saying, "We're seeing the Gordo of darts. Head slumped down, pause, slow walk." It's gotten so bad that Baze Vallin yelled at a couple of guys "for talking about my neighbor". So Gordo, where are you? We're waiting for your return...

CVD Stats Tracker

As some of you may recall Steve Kenny declared he would hit more home runs than Aoo and Koo Condon, Jeff Murphy, Ryan Foley and Blair Marshall combined this year. Crazy, huh? Well he's not looking so bad as now, because we're in a deadlock. it's going to a battle until the end...

Alright, that's a wrap. see ya next week...