2012 KSSL Week 6 Report

  Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)

The Adventures of Cletus Van Damme

Molly Bennett

Hello good people of Kilbride, and surrounding neighborhoods, it's your resident sports talking hero, Cletus Van Damme, back from a long winded vacation/bender of epic proportions. I apologize for taking so long to report back on the exploits of the KSSL, but I have good reason for the delay, I swear! What have I been up to since we last talked? Well...you can definitely say I was up to no good, performing in all sorts of debauchery and making a complete fool of myself, but in the end, a man was reborn! Or was he? Jehovah be may savior!

Riley Reid

Let's start from the beginning, in early June, after receiving a very generous sum of money from my recently deceased Aunt, I hopped on a plane and took a red eye straight for Woodland Hills, in the depths of La La Land, the home of the porn stars. You know when some stupid fucker wins the lottery, or falls into some heavy cash, they always get asked shit like, "Hey, man, it's so awesome you won the lottery! What's the first thing you're gonna buy?". This is then proceeded by the redundant and cliché (yes, we all know Asians suck at driving!) answers of, "I'm gonna buy momma a new house!" or "I'm going to feed the poor!" or some shit about paying off student loans or the mortgage. Well I say, fuck that shit! I'm chillin' with whores of Babylon, baby! And you know fucking what, that's what I did!

Remy LaCroix

Check this little hottie out, Molly Bennett 18 years old, 100% natural and her shit tastes like butter. She gets the CVD seal of approval! Riley Reid, 21 years old, super trippy whore, who loves acid. Good times! Remy LaCroix, 24 (I know, I know, a little old but beggars can't be choosers....right?) anal whore extraordinaire...conquered! When you have the money, you can buy these whores for what seems to be a small expenditure.

Attempting to get some True Blood

After a week of blissful debauchery, It was time to take the short ride down to Tinsel Town, where I attempted to make some new high end connections. As you can see I hung out with Anna Paquin (True Blood, 25th Hour, X-Men), who refused to bed me, and two guys who starred in The Shield - Michael Chiklis and Jay Karnes. For some crazy reason people say I resemble some ugly fucker from that show. I call bollocks on that one, though. Next up you can see me borrowing someone's Oscar and taking a picture with Sir Elton John and Ray McKinnon. I have to say Elton was a total asshole. Dude refused to give me even one note of "Hold Me Closer Tiny Dannnnnnncer!" or "Yellow Brick Rooooooooooooad!'. Fuck him.

Hanging with the guys from The Shield

After getting kicked out of the after party (it turned out that I did in fact rob the Oscar), due to my extreme lack of sobriety, I started walking down an alley, with piss and shit running down my pants, when I literally (or as Chris Traeger would say, LIT-TRALLY) stumbled into a man name Ezekiel. E looked down upon me, shaking his mighty fists, declaring that the Lord had giveth and now he has taketh it away from me. How profound...At this point, I was really having a shitty day. I recently discovered I contracted the clap from fucking all those dirty, but lovely, whores, I only had a c-note remaining of my fortune, piss and shit was dripping down my trousers, and now, on top of everything, some Jesus freak, who was wearing a fedora and an eye patch, was all over me. Talk about scrapping at the bottom of the barrel. Then out of nowhere, a bloody light shone down before me and E declared that I was cleansed from all of my sins? What that fuck did I do? Was it a flashlight? Beats me, but whatever. E then started talking about Damascus and all this biblical bullshit and how the Lord is my prayer. Sure,

Oscar time with Sir John and Ray McKinnon

whatever dude. I just need the first train outta Dodge, man, so I rode with it. E took me to his worship palace, a "Kingdom Hall", overwhelming me with his deity. Creepy shit. Worst of all, I find out that the Kingdom Hall is the home of the Jehovah's...that's right, my Public Enemy #1. Arrggh...seriously could things get any worse? How am I gonna work this shit out? E explained to me how they were going to make me the poster child to their new campaign (aka propaganda) - REDEMPTION! I told him I was all pure in heart and how I was a true believer. I gave him what he wanted to hear. I was making wine out of water, Jehovah, please take my hand! E then sent me to the International headquarters located in Brooklyn, New York, where I shot these incredible cheesy photos for REDEMPTION! They posted this shit all over the Jehovah communities, and it blew up nearly as big as Linsanity. After two weeks of this, they finally handed me a few rolls of dollars and as soon as "lights out" happened that night, I slipped out the back of the International Kingdom Hall HQ, hopped on a cab and headed straight for JFK. Now, I'm finally back into warmer waters...



                          

Team Reports

Alright, now that everything is settled let's talk about what has gone down in my absence.

Blair Marshall: Most improved?

After a slow start to the season, filled with nothing but excuses by team captain Jonny Murphy ("We're missing our top two picks, waaaah!"), the Lumber, aka Team Fun, have finally started to live up to their self-proclaimed expectations. Team Fun currently sit in 2nd place in the league standings at 3-3. Their top three picks, the trio of Robert Smith/Dave Pike/Andrew Condon, all currently rank in the top 10 in hitting, but it's the little guys who have been really helping their crew so far in the early portion of the season. Guys like Chris Ryan Jr. who is currently hitting a cool .500. Brad Williams, the KSSL career leader in worst batting average, is hitting an astonishing .280. That's like a .500 clip for anyone else. Then there's one of the bigger stories of the season, Blair "Blart" Marshall. If he's not diving for balls behind the backstop, this descendant from the Mokwaioka Tribe (That's racist!) is ripping singles and doubles. Marshall has been hitting so well this season that his average has actually been taking a noise dive the past couple of weeks, even though he's been going 3/6 in games. Just wait until CVD predicted MVP Jason Hedges really heats up. A championship could be on the horizon.

 

This is what .333 does to you

 The last time we talked, there was much discussion based on Billy Gorman's miserable captaincy winning percentage. Back then it sat at .333 and as of these writings it is still .333. Hey, Billy, I 'spose it could be worse! Johnny's are tied for last place in the league at 2-4. What is there to say about these guys? Nothing much, really. Derek Fleming and Craig Sheppard are leading the team in hitting but they have a combined 11 at bats so they have been essentially spares up to this point. The teams top pick Adam Smith has been doing what he's paid to do. He is leading their regulars, hitting .450 and playing solid ball at short. Dave Penney has been one of those really solid picks. I'm not exactly sure where he got drafted, it was probably in the mid to later rounds, but he's been playing some good D and hitting .438. Dexter Spurrell is the only other player of notice, hitting .400. Johnny's has a couple of real stinkers up to this point. Billy, himself, has been struggling only hitting .187. Luke Stoyles, one of the more consistent performers over the league's history, has been a dismal .154 at the plate. One of the KSSL's new additions Pat Silver is hitting a league worst .083. Come on!

After starting the year off flying on all cylinders, Kilbride Taxi have completely fallen off track, losing four games in a row and sit tied for last place at 2-4. These losers have made losing look, well, pretty damn laughable. They've lost three games in a row by more than 10 runs and things took an even turn for the worst when they were shutout, that's right shutout, by Johnny's Fish & Chips (there were talks that this may have been the first shutout in KSSL history but there was at least one before. Billy also tossed a shutout in the first season). Simply pathetic. Where does it start? Well, I suppose, you can say, it starts from the top. Team captain Moe Smith hasn't exactly been lighting it up, hitting just .333 - well below his career average. Moe has also managed only one home run (a HR which actually hurt his team). CVD favorite, and predicted batting champ, Gord "Bring The" Payne, has been doing anything but bringing the pain this year. A .227 average simply proves this. Robbie Leamon, whom I had high hopes for this season seems to be in about an 0 for three games slump, popping out to the left fielder, every.single.time. Use the field, man! Last year's playoff hero, Ryan Foley, is batting an atrocious .087 - next to worst in the league. It doesn't help the cause when Foley shows up to the field with smears of puke pasted to his cheeks. Rick Smith, JJ Dray and Scott Howell seem to be the only ones doing anything for this albatross of a team. All three are in the top 10 in hitting. After looking like a team to be reckoned with after the first two weeks of the season, Kilbride Taxi are starting to resemble anything but.

Chris Murph: The New Gwynn?

Ched: MVP?

 The reigning two-time champs are steam rolling through the league, losing only one game in six weeks. Team captain, Ched Whelan has been leading the way with a league leading 4 homers and 15 RBI's. Ched is the front runner for the league's MVP. Top picks Tommy Harris and Koo Condon have been living up to their billing, as well. Those persistent rumors, before the year began, regarding Tommy becoming a "Pizza Boy" have proven false. Other players contributing have been two good ol' boys from Kilbride, Mike Baird and Mike Brock. Both players are hitting their spots. Okay, so we must be through with talking about how awesome these guys are right? Well there is the fella who is currently leading the entire league in batting, Chris "C Player!" Murphy. Murph is ripping apart the league hitting .611 (Save it for the Classic!). If Jimmy Rodden, Mental Murphy and Joey Cole ever get their bats going, watch the fuck out, folks.

The talk of the league this year has been, what in the fuck is wrong with Gordo? Gordo, where are you, dude? There's been a high alert ABP out for you. Gordo, before his recent slump, was probably on a 50 game streak with two hits or more, now... Steve Kenny was overheard saying, "We're seeing the Gordo of darts. Head slumped down, pause, slow walk." It's gotten so bad that Baze Vallin yelled at a couple of guys "for talking about my neighbor". So Gordo, where are you? We're waiting for your return...

CVD Stats Tracker

As some of you may recall Steve Kenny declared he would hit more home runs than Aoo and Koo Condon, Jeff Murphy, Ryan Foley and Blair Marshall combined this year. Crazy, huh? Well he's not looking so bad as now, because we're in a deadlock. it's going to a battle until the end...

Alright, that's a wrap. see ya next week...