2012 KSSL - The Classic: Preview

Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)

2012 Classic: Preview

We are just mere days away, before all holy war breaks loose. The day every small child in the west end of St. John's has had circled on their calendar since last August, the day that every grown man with a two inch beer gut has been salivating for all season. Yes, that's right, the Classic has finally arrived and it's gonna be an apocalyptic disaster for most of the people involved, and the rapture for the few remaining. What side will you be on?

This year brings us the KSSL's fifth all star event/drunkfest in it's ten year history (the "first" Classic was merely an Olympic "instrumental" experiment). Fanfare is at an all time high, with attendance expected to shatter previous years records - weather permitting, of course. In it's short history, Kilbride has had the upper hand on everyone, winning the whole shebang three times. They like to rub it into all the other teams that “if you’re not from Kilbride, ya wants to be!”. Spoken like a true skeet from Skane’s Avenue! They’ve held their main adversary, the mighty Waterford Valley, at bay for years.        

If you're not from Kilbride, ya wants to be!

The Valley have choked their way through countless defeats year after year, whether it was blowing a final inning lead in the championship game in the inaugural Classic, or jumping out to a quick five-spot before falling mercilessly, in another. These lovable losers are starting to grow stale.

The only other previous Classic champions are the dark horses of dark horses, the Misfits. These guys shocked the world, Ala the Miracle on Ice, back in ‘09, winning the whole thing after they whipped both Valley and Kilbride in consecutive games. Can they shock the world once more?

The final team are the Old Sam Generals, formerly known as the Rejects, a team that is sovereign to no one. Their only allegiance is to each other. Next year they may jump ship and call themselves Go Fuck Yourself! You never know what these fuckers are up to.

All right, now it’s time to break this shit down a little further. First up are the former Classic champs, the Misfits who are looking to take down their second Classic title and this year they're gonna get a little help from an old friend, original team captain, Dwayne Prince - who is making his triumphant return after a two year sabbatical. That's the good news. Now on to the bad...former championship players Chris "Sharky" Whelan, Dexter Spurrell, Jason Hedges and Blair "Blart" Marshall will be out of action for an assortment of reasons. Others missing in action include Ross Courtney and Robin "Evil Twin" Courtney. These are some major losses.

Now let's talk about their infield, Keety Pope will take over 3rd base from Dexter, former captain Adam Smith (after missing last years events) will anchor short, Scott Murph will be over at 2nd, Mike Baird will start at 1st (is he even playing though?), in Bairdo's absence Brad Williams will take  his place, and team captain Jimmy Fitz will be on the mound. Brad and Junior will probably rotate at catcher. Solid stuff.       

Will the absence of Shark doom the Misfits?

The Misfits outfield will have Freddy Cox in left, Classic legend Princey in center, Mike Stoyles in right, and Mike Brock wandering around in rover. Not that bad but how will Princey hold up after his long absence? Is the player "pushing" 40, over the hill? We shall see. 

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists the Misfits odds of winning the Classic at 10-1.

The Misfits Will Win If...

- Princey plays like a 35 year old Princey.

- Adam Smith, who has been on a prolonged slump since his return from his homeland, returns to old form, playing his usual top notch softball, whether it's hitting gapper's or making solid plays in the field.

- Mike Brock continues the torrid pace he's been on in the past month of the season (arguably the best hitter in August).

- Someone else (Scott Murph? Bairdo?) picks up some of the slack that Sharky left behind,

CVD Prediction

4th place. Too many no shows: The Gold Glover, The Speedsters, The Big Bats; an aging center fielder, a slumping top dog shortstop. Too many questions...

Next up are the Generals. After passing the baton off to Eddy Power last year, Ched Whelan once again returns as captain for this sad crew. As some of you may remember, there was a bit of controversy surrounding Old Sam's in last years Classic when Kilbride intentionally walked Ryan Foley, with two outs and the winning run on 3rd, to face Corey "Goy Boy" Goyman. The former Classic hero let his disgust be known by this "cowardly" move. Ched is so sick of the dirty tactics by the other teams that he's chosen to take back the reigns he relinquished last season. Is Ched gonna be a man on a mission and take all his pain out on his former team?

Old Sam's infield will consist of former KSSL player Neil Murphy on 3rd base, spare, and the only player in KSSL History drafted by the Major League ("Padres, baby!" *Aaahahahaha!*), Jonny Dawe on short, last season's Playoff MVP Ryan Foley on 2nd, someone from the likes of Jason Murphy, Sheldon Cooper or George Lane (who?) on 1st, and Weiner "I Still Don't Know Your Actual Name" behind the backstop. I have no idea who will be their pitcher. A huge decision for the "Boss" to make.

A happy Ched = Victory

Their outfield, which is looking pretty solid on paper, will be Ched out in left, Dave "Dort" Penney in center, Sebastien Vallin in right and Steve Brown at rover. They may mix things up a bit by possibly playing Brownie over in right and Shelly may get a look somewhere in the outfield as well. So there's definitely some depth out there if one of their regulars has to sit. Rumor has it that Dort re-aggravated his bum wrist at hockey this week. Weeks ago, the living legend himself, "Big Barrell" Bas Whelan, smoked Dortski into the boards, shelving the CF for a week. In the time sense then, his batting average has plummeted. Now with this latest news, the real question is can he tough it out and play? How effective will he be if he plays? Dort may need to take a cortisone shot to get through the day. This is a major hurdle they may have to overcome.    

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Old Sam's odds of winning the Classic at 11-1.

Old Sam's Will Win If...

- Ched regains his composure and his past Classic heroics.

- Ryan Foley fucks off only trying to hit homers and by concentrating on actually making solid level contact.

- Dort and Brownie (another recent injured player) sort out their injuries and get on base consistently.

- a pitcher is "discovered" by at least the second game.

- Jonny Dawe plays like the player the Padres "drafted" (*Aaahahahaha!*)

CVD Prediction

3rd place. The former MLB draftee (*Aaahahahaha!*) will get these guys "over the top" and out of the cellar.

JJ Dray rallying his troops

Kilbride: The loudmouths. Kilbride: Superiority Complex Personas. Kilbride: Dirt. Filth. Ugly. Kilbride: WINNERS.

Say what you want about these fella's, but these "kids" know how to fucking win. Heart, grit and honor. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. They'll stab you in the front, not in the back. That's the way it be's! Team captain, and sober extraordinaire, James B. Rodden has put together a savvy bunch of arseholes, who like to scream, shout and drink beers (well some of 'em, anyways). Throughout all of this, Jimmy has created a winning formula. Three time Classic winners, the Briders are going for the three peat, while becoming a Quad Squad.

Kilbride's infield consists of Kirk "Stitz" Stoyles at 3rd, Classic defensive MVP Jimmy at short, Jonny Murphy at 2nd, Luke Stoyles at 1st, and Billy Gorman behind the mound. Super catcher Phily Grouchy will be behind the plate, with Mental Murphy possibly subbing in as pitcher and catcher. One of the questions is whether Stitz can even play 3rd. His shoulder has been fucked for weeks now so you may see Jason Thompson slide over in his place. Another possible problem is, can Jonny Murphy actually stay sober enough to play the field later in the day?    

Will karma come back to haunt Scotty?

In the outfield, "Ole Gimpy" Scott Howell man's left field, the ageless wonder JJ Dray roams center, Jeff Murphy is in right, and Moe Smith plays his usual rover. Thompson will probably get his looks in the outfield as well. Like most teams, there are a couple of questions Kilbride are going to have to answer to. Will Scott Howell's complacency be his downfall? Will another injury to Jeff "Brittle Bonez" Murphy hinder his performance?

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Kilbride's odds of winning the Classic at 2-1.

Kilbride Will Win If..

- D! D! D! D! D!

- they play collectively as a unit (as they always do).

- they keep their leadership skills at a maximum (as they always do).

- they stay young for another day (they're old as fuck!).

- they get a bitta luck.

CVD Prediction

2nd place. Age and luck will finally run out for them...

Waterford Valley: Four Time "Best Team on Paper". Waterford Valley: Four Time Quitters. Waterford Valley: Four Time Losers.

Every year these sulkers are considered the best of the bunch, the crème de la crème, and yet every year their Classic dreams end in agony, numbness, shame, and complete misery. A dystopian society...As the great Dennis Lyxzén once said, these kids "lack the motion to move to the new beat!".

Koo: Future hot dog eating champion?

The mighty Valley's infield looks like a doozy (on paper!), with Gold Glover's a-blazing! Andrew "Aoo" Condon will be throwing his body around on 3rd, Dave Pike will be using his long length to clean up everything hit towards him, self-proclaimed "Commish", Steven "Skinny" Whitten will be commish-ing balls into his glove, and former triple crown winner Rick Smith will be using his large body over on 1st. Steve 'Splinter" Kenny and Chris Jacobs will probably be sharing duties behind the mound and plate.

The outfield looks like another doozy (on paper!) with another triple of Gold Glover's a-blazing! Kevin "Koo" Condon and Robert Smith will probably share left and center field duties, Gord Payne will play over in right, and team captain Tommy Harris will be stomping around in rover. What a team (on paper!)! Questions, questions, questions? Can these losers actually win? Can these sulkers finally learn leadership skills, rather than crawling back under the rock they came from, when the going gets tough? Will these guys finally "man up" and not let Kilbride bully them into submission? Will these losers finally fight back and get dirty themselves? Maybe it's time for this group of losers to stop being the nice guys and give Kilbride a little bit of their own medicine! Can Splinter and Tommy let bygones be bygones, for the good of the team?

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Valley's odds of winning the Classic at 5-2.

Valley Will Win If...

Can Valley turn that frown upside down?

This is the year Tommy Harris is healthy; this is the year Rick Smith is back to leading the league in hitting (now only if he could fuck off hitting home run outs!); this is the year Aoo Condon finally cracks the top 5 in batting; this is the year Pikey fields the way he does down at Caribou; this is the year Steve Kenny returns to his past glorious angry, bitter, asshole self; this is the year Koo Condon finally takes down the crown as hot dog eating contest winner (his, oh so, very treasured conquest!); this is the year Robbie Smith is finally capable of stringing together somewhat coherent sentences past 10 p.m; this is the year Jakes starts poking the odd ball over to left field; this is the year Gordo...no wait, Gordo sucks this year...so, next!; this is the year that Skinny Whitten started missing games, only to return in recent weeks because the Commish declared, "Enough is enough! We're winning the fucking Classic!".

CVD Prediction

1st place. Champions of the '12 Classic. This is the year that the boys in yellow, V-A-L-L-E-Y, win the Classic. They will be screaming "Bang, bang, bang, bang! Vamanos, vamanos! All. Night. Long.

MVP

The 11th man, the Valley fans. people like little 11 year old Johnny, from Perlin Street; little 7 year old tee-ball sensation Suzy from Lester's Street, and absentee (but he will be there in spirit) Chris Murphy. This goes out to all of you!

Final Note

When all the games are said and done, when all the anger from the losing squads has subsided, we will all gather up our belongings, go back for a few games of darts, have a lotta laughs, eat some cheap pizza, and drink a substantial amount of fucking beers. Just remember this, "and the card attached would say, 'thank you for being a friend'".

See y'all at the field, bright and early tomorrow, at 9 a.m. Good night, and good luck....