Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)2013 Classic: Preview
After an extremely long hiatus, where
I was casting iron fists towards damnation, and chilling with former Canadian Idol icons (no he doesn't wear the white hat), your favorite sports reporter,
Cletus Van Damme is back with a vengeance, with a very special edition of my
mind...the 2013 Classic Preview!
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| CHAMPS! |
After choking it up for what seemed
like an eternity, Waterford Valley finally broke through in last year's
Classic, as if they conquered an 18 year old virgin's hymen, by smoking the
rest of the competition, taking down their first Classic title, allowing only
six runs in the entire process. Will it be the first of many titles for them or
will their claim to rectify themselves as champs be stalled by one of the other
teams?
Here's a breakdown of the teams.
The Generals return this
year, with arguably the greatest captain in KSSL history, Ched Whelan. So far,
the Generals have had a bunch of rotten luck in regards to the Classic. Two
years ago was the "cowardly" act, where
Kilbride intentionally walked Ryan Foley for Corey "Goy
Boy" Goyman, a guy who never played a game in the league prior to this
day. Long story short, the Generals faltered and lost the game and their chance
at the title. Then in last year's opening game of the tourney, they had the
Mighty Valley on the ropes, for most of the game, before faltering 3-2. Who
knows what could have happened if they were able to pull off the major upset?
Quite possibly an entirely different Classic.
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| Controversy surrounds the defection of Ross |
The upside for the
Generals is that they've played competitive ball throughout the Classic but
unfortunately for them this year is the few key ingredients missing from their
lineup, which may eventually lead to disaster. First of all, Ross Courtney
defected to the "big league" club Kilbride. How this happened I will
never understand? Oh wait, yes I do. Jimmy Rodden fears his team is getting too
old and a bit slow footed so he decided to steal the fastest player in league
history from the bottom feeders of the tournament. Stay classy, Kilbride! In addition to Ross, two
other major contributors unavailable this weekend is outfielder, and
one of the league's bright stars, Steve Brown and key player Dave
"Dort" Penney.
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| Dort will be missed in CF |
It's looking like the Generals will man their infield with the likes of
Neil Murphy (probably on 3rd), Trevor “Chuggis" Burke on short, Paul
Brothers on 2nd, and Stu Power on 1st. Pat Silver may
share some duties on 1st/2nd. The ole southpaw Jason Murphy, is set to pitch.
The outfield is a bit murkier. Who is going to play CF? This is where Dort
would have been invaluable. Is Ched, gonna rotate over to center or will
someone like Esso take it? I haven't a clue where Terry Philpot plays, so maybe
he's a secret superstar? Other possible outfielders are CVD favorite Jason
"Reggie" Hedges, who will either play rover or RF, Sebastien
"Baze" Vallin and Nate Martin.
Old Sam's Will Win If...
- Ched plays gold glove
D and hits three dingers, batting .750.
- they find a reliable CF and soon!
- they need a 1-B player. Someone like Chuggis or Reggie has to take
their play to the next level.
- they embrace their underdog role and fuck Kilbride over, proving they
never even needed the "defector".
CVD Prediction
4th place. Missing out on Brownie and Dort is really gonna hurt these guys in the
long run.
The Misfits, The Cardiac Kids of the
Classic, are back again, attempting to take another huge bite out of the egos
of Valley and Kilbride. After shocking the world in '10 Classic, it hasn't been
so nice for this group of misifts. Was it really a one year miracle or will these
kids bounce back again?
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| Will Dex be ready to win his second Classic? |
Leading the way for the team is
captain Adam Smith (or is it co-captain with Jimmy Fitz?). Fake Name is one of
the league's top dogs so it is expected for him to lead the charge at short.
Over on 3rd base is former gold glover Dexter Spurrell and it is fully expected
that he will play some awesome defense and either be hung over from the previous
evening or he'll get shitface drunk by the early afternoon. Whatever way you
shake it, you can expect some fun times for Dex. At second base will be Scott Murphy, who has in a previous Classic filled in at short nicely when the team was in a
pinch. Last season's gold glove winner Keety Pope will play first and Weiner
will take the backstop. You may see Mike Baird play some first base, rotating
Keety over to any of the other infield positions. Jimmy Fitz will be on the
mound.
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| Has Brock reclaimed his stroke at the right time? |
After missing out on last year's
Classic, Chris "Sharky" Whelan is making his return. Shark was a
major loss for the Misfits last year so his return is expected to be huge.
Unfortunately, for Misifts, former captain and Classic MVP, Dwayne Prince is
MIA. As with the Generals, who will play CF? Can Shark step up and anchor
the outfield? Besides Shark, the outfield consists of Freddy Cox is in LF,
Robin "Replica" Courtney is in RF, Kilbride funny man Mike Brock will
probably share rover duties with Chris "Identity Thief" Ryan
"Jr".
Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists
the Misfits odds of winning the Classic at 9-1.
The Misfits Will Win
If...
- Adam/Brock/Shark, at least two of
these three have to play amazing ball, whether it's Shark continuing his
outstanding defensive play this season or Mike Brock hitting his typical
moonshots (after a slow start to the season, Brock smashed two dingers last
week. Is he heating up at the right time?).
- Smart pitching from Jimmy Fitz.
- Great D from all around, especially
Adam, Shark and Dexter.
CVD Prediction
3rd place. They have the power
to take the crown but can the D hold up? The lack of team speed is
concerning...
Let's interrupt your scheduled programming to discuss a few Classic topics
There's been an item that has been annoying
some of the fine folks at the field and public enemy #1 is Jimmy
"Kool-Aid" Fitz. After, his continuous, slip out the backdoor
routine, Classic after Classic, it's time for the big man to "man up"
and go for a dunk in the fishtub. Year-after year, whether it was Tommy Harris,
Koo Condon, Jimmy Rodden, Jason Hedges, or even Ryan Foley, the captain, or one
their proxies, is expected to take a nice dip into the tub. Shouldn't all the
captains take a dive? It's not only
Valley and Kilbride in the Classic. There are two other teams playing for all
the wonderful glory! Two year’s running, Slimmy has crept away into the dark, avoiding
his destiny. Ched, you're guilty of this as well! Foley took the bullet for you
last year, and he's not around for you this Classic! Adam, I think you’ve done
the fake out as well. So captains, make sure you bring your swimming trunks and nice big
towel, you’re gonna need it.
There's a funny thing happening on the
message boards right now. Unlike in year's past there's been very little
chatter going around leading up to the Classic. It seems like everyone is
afraid to speak their minds about shit. For Valley, they are the CHAMPS, so
they're acting like it. Why stir the pot when you're already on top? As for
Kilbride, it's quite obvious; captain Jimmy Rodden put a gag order out on his
team. Maybe he's trying the silent assassin route this year? Or maybe it’s
fear? But then 24 hours ago, Morley Smith couldn't take it any longer, throwing
out petty and pathetic words to the mighty Valley. This is truly mind blowing
seeing how Moe is the guy who quit on his team last year, while the game
was still being played, lacing off his cleats and walking away from the team
like a little baby. Eyebrows were raised, whispers were heard. Dissension finally
in Kilbride’s dugout? It can’t be? How does this sit with his teammates now? Is
all forgiven or does something like that never really go away? Remember this
Moe, "It's better to live one day as a lion, than a thousand years as a
lamb."
Now back to our regular scheduled programming…
Kilbride: Yeah, these
fuckers are loud. Yeah, they have a shit load of heart. Yeah, they've won before,
but you know what, they're FORMER winners! Has a sudden down
slide occurred? Can their team morale be boasted after last year's
clusterfuck? Are they starting to truly become greybeards? I guess we'll
find out on Saturday.
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| Stitz is expected to fill the void of Thompson |
Captain James B. Rodden has once again
brought back the majority of his former championship squad. Jimmy leads the
team taking his usual shortstop position. The question is, is the rough
Newfoundland terrain too much for JR to handle after playing all summer on the
fresh, soft sand of Alberta? The remaining players for Kilbride's infield is
Jonny Murphy on 2nd and the Stoyles brothers, Luke and Kirk on the corner
spots. Billy "My Winning % As a Captain Is Decreasing By the Day at An
Exponential Rate!" Gorman and Michael "Mental" Murphy will
handle the pitching duties, with the true greybeard of them all, Phil Grouchy
kicking it in the backstop.
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| Can Jimmy handle the Newfie terrain? |
The outfield is led by the legend of
all legends JJ (James? John? Jerry? Justin?) Dray in CF, former league MVP,
homerun leader, batting champ, RBI winner, gold glover, Morely Smith at rover,
Scott "Put on a Gag Order" Howell in LF and Jeff "Murph
Bonez" Murphy in RF. Replacing Jason Thompson is new addition (cough,
cough) Ross Courtney, who will probably rotate all over the outfield. Solid
lineup all around.
Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists
Kilbride's odds of winning the Classic at 5-2.
Kilbride Will Win
If...
- they regain their infamous psyche
over all competition.
- they have short term memory over
what occurred last year.
- someone has to pick up the slack of
losing clutch hitter Thompson (Scotty? Luke? Mental?).
- stay off the beers!
- PEDs!
CVD Prediction
2nd place. They're still
feeling the lingering effects from last year's Classic.
The champs are here! That's right,
after countless times of sucking major cock when the chips were on the table,
the gagging and gurgling of that tough substance has finally come to an end!
Can you say gag reflex? Has the sulking when they're down, finally come to an
end? It's been said by many that once Valley finally broke through, they'll
never lose. This may seem a bit extreme but we shall see...
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| Cool, calm, and collected |
After last year's junior high argument
between team members Tommy Harris and Steve Kenny, all seemed to be lost for
the mighty Valley. Instead it kick started these lovable losers into CHAMPS.
This year it has been all lollipops and candy canes. Will this lovefest
continue for a little while longer?
Once again, veteran captain Tommy
"Superstar" Harris leads his troops into battle with an amazing infield that has former gold glover Dave Pike on shortstop, the artist
formerly known as Aoo, Andrew John Condon, on 3rd, Chris Murphy (who is making
his return after missing last year's Classic to see The Boss) on 2nd and
newcomer Sean "Joey" Cole on 1st. Chris Jacobs will throw his
underhand fastball pitches back to the self-proclaimed Cy Young of the league,
Steve Kenny on the mound. Missing this year is former, and only, Triple Crown
winner and MVP Rick Smith and Classic Commish Skinny Whitten.
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| Will Andrew John gut it out? |
The outfield is led by Captain Tommy
Harris in rover and last year's Classic MVP and, most importantly, hot dog
eating contest champion Kevin "Koo" Condon in CF, former gold glove
winner, batting champ and league MVP, Robert Smith in LF, newbie Craig "He
Love's Fantasy Football" Cowan in RF. Danny Mercer, straight off the ship
from Japan, will rotate with these guys throughout the day. Then there is Gord
"Bring the Payne" Payne, who is coming off a shoulder injury from a
few weeks back. Gordo will DH and may play some 1st base.
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| The Commish, incognito... |
A few questions, can Andrew John's bum
knee hold up? It keeps popping out of place at random moments and who knows
what will happen tomorrow? Andrew John is kind of known for being a gimp...Will
Gordo's bum shoulder effect his hitting? Can somebody hit that big jack when
they really need it, now that Rick is out of the Classic? Can Splinter avoid
blowing a fucking gasket causing disarm and morbid moments for his teammates?
Do these newbies really know what they're walking into?
Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists
Valley's odds of winning the Classic at 2-1.
Valley Will Win If...
- play 75% defensively what they did
last year. (Six runs allowed in four games, only one error the entire day).
- Robbie Smith stays semi-drunk.
- Koo continues eating hotdogs.
- they stay grounded (avoid allowing a
bad play or two fuck things up for them mentally).
- team unity!
CVD Prediction
1st place. Champions of the
'13 Classic. The best lineup from top to bottom will continue their winning ways.
They will be shouting "feed me fear!" to the opposition.
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| Robbie Smith, being awesome |
MVP
Robbie Smith. Amazing D, clutch
hitting, countless extra base hits. Speed kills, folks.
Final Note
Once again, after all the games are
over we'll all be besties, loving each other, smoking a few J's, drinking lots
and lots of beer, talking about the day’s events with countless smiles and
laughs. It should be good times for all! Just make sure we all leave our cars
at home or at the field and not ruin the community that surrounds us. See ya on
Saturday!
Valley victory song!
