Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)
 |
| Kilbride, the four time Classic Champs |
It's that time of the year again, folks. The time when we separate the men
from the little boys, the elite from the wicked, and the champions from the
pretenders. We've nearly completed in an entire calendars year since I, Cletus
Van Damme, your resident Kilbride folklore hero, last spoke. A lot has gone
down since then. Chad Whelan's stranglehold on the KSSL finally came to an end
when Morely Smith's death squad took down the three time champions. Kilbride, the
over the hill, down but not out, loudmouth bunch, pulled through triumphantly,
yet again, claiming their 4th Classic title over the sad sack that is Waterford
Valley. But the big news and controversy, that has overtaken the league, came
from the possible expansion of a new team in the Classic.
In the works for over a year now, residents of Wild Rose, a subdivision
next to Huck Field, have been quietly politicking throughout the nights,
angling themselves for a full on franchise takeover of the Old Sam Generals.
They have been forming turncoats, gaining votes in secret rapid tandem, with
all eyes towards this takeover, Art Modell style, on the eve of the 2014
Classic. As word got out, things got a little dicey. Opposition was met, with
no compromise seemingly on the horizon. After a full on gag order was called
upon, with a rumored 329 pages in text messages/emails (that makes the BALCO
case seem small fry), over weeks of deliberations, the documents were completely
sealed by an outside arbitrator, and a decision was finally made. The Wild Rose
Warriors are in; the Old Sam Generals are out. But, of course, with all complicated
decisions, there were certain stipulations put in place. The three members of
Kilbride who moved to the subdivision in recent years would remain with their
former team. The final decision was met with polarizing opinions, but as some
people like to say, "There’s always next year". |
| The Generals are outta there! |
Alright, enough of the business side of things. Let's get down to all the nitty gritty shit.
Here's a breakdown of all the teams, possible depth charts, batting orders, possible scenarios, and everybody’s
favorite, the CVD predictions.
 |
Gone are the wonder years with players such as Dwayne Prince and Adam
Smith. The former, who is quite possibly kicking back on some random deck
drinking a rone, or some shit, with the later being MIA for reasons unknown (is
he gone back home early in preparations for his looming marriage?). Then there
are guys like Chris Whelan and Blair Marshall, who after stellar careers with
the Misfits (which includes helping the club win their lone Classic title), have both defected to the
newly formed expansion team Wild Rose. Can the Misfits make some noise without
these valuable assets?
Not all is lost, though. They still have many familiar faces such as, Mike
Brock, Mike Baird, Dexter Spurrell, Scott Murphy, team captain Jimmy Fitz, and
CVD favorite Jason Hedges. New additions to the roster are Chad Whelan, one of
the KSSL’s all time greats, Colin Piercey, and Mike Lee. Ched’s recent “change
of scenery” now makes this the 5th team he’s played for in the
Classic (wasn’t Old Sam’s called The Outsiders originally?), a record. What
happens if one day, Bossy decides to pack up all of his bags, head out west
over the badlands, into the Wild Rose?
The Misfits infield is led by former gold glover Dexter, who will be rock
solid at 3rd base. The Misfits will be taking a hit at short without
Fake Name in the lineup but I have Scott Murphy penciled in there for now. A
few years ago, Scott filled in admirably for Smitty so he’ll probably be given the
first crack at the position. Other possibilities include Keitty or Colin. The
right side of the infield will include Classic virgin Colin Piercey at 2nd
base and a combo of Keitty and Bairdo at 1st. You may see these three
guys flip flop both positions throughout the Classic. Jimmy and Jason Whelan
will share pitching duties with Brad Williams behind the backstop.
 |
| Can Mike Lee help put the Misifts over the top? |
The Misfits outfield is shaping up to be pretty solid. Ched will anchor the
area by either playing his usual left field spot, but in one of my many
predictions, he’s probably going to play CF for the tourney. The team doesn’t
have any of the regular CF’s of the KSSL and seeing how Ched is their best
outfielder he’s the Misfits best bet out there. If that’s the case, Mike Lee
will probably play LF (if Ched goes in left, Lee will have to CF. I just don’t
see any other options). In RF, Jason Hedges will be fielding fly balls in the
sideways shitter position all day, certainly an attractive pose. In rover is
another CVD favorite, Mike Brock.
Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for the Misfits.
Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists the Misfits odds of winning the Classic at 7-1
The Misfits Will Win If...
- Ched and Brock hit the shit outta the ball.
- Another top six batter (Reggie/Scott/Colin/Lee) joins them in on the fun (I’m talking ‘bout hitting .500+).
- Two of the bottom half of the order get on base consistently.
- The CF/SS defensive positions have to step up.
** Before I reveal my predictions, I have come up
with a system regarding the comparisons of teams by every position defensively,
offensively and speed/base running. So for example, if I feel one teams LF is
better than another teams LF defensively, that team gets a +1. It goes the same
way offensively and speed/base running. It doesn’t work to an exact science, because
in some instances someone should only be +0.5 better than their opponent and in other cases you
could make a strong case for a +2. I will show each teams final +/- ratings in
each team's predictions, withholding the actual individual results, for fear of being
beheaded...
CVD Prediction
4th Place. This is a solid club who could easily make it to
the finals. They have some quality hitters in their lineup, guys who can single
handily win a few games. Their defense is actually not that bad either, it’s
just that they're missing every day regulars in the two most important positions and by filling them with the best of the bunch they're weakening these players' regular positions in the process. This was the deciding factor in my reasoning for their placement.
Misfits vs Kilbride = NET -4 (+10 Misfits, -14
Kilbride)
Misfits vs Valley = NET -18 (+ 4 Misifts, -22
Valley)
Misfits vs Wild Rose = NET -2 (+10 Misfits, -12 Wild
Rose)
After all the dust has settled, the Wild Rose Warriors are set to make
their debut in our wonderful little tourney. After losing out on three players who
live within their boundaries, Wild Rose managed to add a few decent outside
guys to fill out the remainder of their roster. But will these moves be enough to take
down a Classic championship?
 |
| Will Brownie and Shark just get along? |
This newly minted franchise is lead by captain Chris “Sharky” Whelan, who
will be manning CF. Over in LF, will be a Can of Corn, Magic Mike, aka Madge, Steve
Brown. After an earlier season confrontation between Brownie and Shark over a
debated injury, to Brownie, can these two even get along? Will bad blood linger
between these rivals? Can they set their bitter taste for each other aside for
the greater good? We shall see. Dave Penney may play over in RF, with the other options
potentially being Sebastien Vallin, Nate Martin, or Chris Ryan, depending on
how Shark feels about the right side of the infield, which may be filled with
guys who regularly play outfield. Dort may slip over to 2nd base to
help out on the right side of the infield. Greg Buckingham, returning from out
west will play rover (other options for him could be 3rd base or 2nd).
 |
| Does BK's absence throw a wrench to the teams defensive infield? |
The left side of the infield will consist of Trevor “Chuggis” Burke at
shortstop, and another first time Classic player Mark Howell at 3rd (outfield
is another option for him). Bob “Super Spare” Kent on any normal day would be playing 3rd
base, but for reasons unknown, BK won’t be attending this year's Classic. The right side of the
infield is, shall we say, in flux. Now, this is where Sharky will have to put on
his captains hat and make some strong decisions. Does he move either Buck or
Dort into the infield, by retroactively weakening the outfield, or does he roll
out with inexperienced infielders with guys like Baze, Junior and Nate, in the
hopes that most guys who hit the other way will avoid them? Perhaps, he’ll
play it inning by inning, to see how things unfold. If he goes with the latter
option, Nate Dogg or Junior will play 2nd base, with Baze or Nate/Junior sharing 1B. On the mound will be Ryan Foley, with the Blue Jays catching tandem
of Blair Marshall and Keith “Weiner” Lee behind the plate.
Below is the projected depth chart and batting
order for Wild Rose.
Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Wild Roses
odds of winning the Classic at 6-1
Wild Rose Will Win If...
- Sharky makes the right moves balancing the right side of the infield and the RF spot.
- Sharky/Brownie/Chuggy, play the way they can.
- Greg Buck channels his former Valley teenage self.
- Baze Vallin continues his torrid hitting pace (approaching .600).
- Some of the bottom half guys pick up the pace (Blart, a former Classic hero; Foley, a former playoff MVP).
- Foley avoids his playoff meltdown from last year.
CVD Prediction
3rd Place. If they had all the guys who live in their
subdivision they just might have a serious crack at winning the whole shebang. Never
less, this is still a quality club, who actually may be a year away from
winning it all. The edge for 3rd over the Misfits is because they
have a more solidifying defense and a bit more team speed. I believe their
outfield is better overall (with options of swapping in players to the infield)
and they also have a premium regular shortstop in place.
Wild Rose vs Kilbride = NET -5 (+9 Wild Rose, -14
Kilbride)
Wild Rose vs Misfits= NET +2 (+12 Wild Rose, -10
Misfits)
Wild Rose vs Valley = NET -19 (+4 Wild Rose, -23 Valley)
Let’s interrupt your scheduled programming to discuss a few Classic-esque
topics...
Throughout human history people have been hitting home runs by stepping
into a ball, using their arms, legs, feet, and body to swing into the ball, and
hopefully, with good hand/eye coordination, a successful outcome will ensue.
There is most certainly no running involved...
Then there’s Moe Smith. The pride of Kilbride; multiple KSSL and Classic championships,
batting titles, RBI titles, and home run titles...the list goes on and on. But at what
cost? It’s been whispered about behind closed doors for years, how dangerous
his batting technique of running out of the batters box is. People loved to
talk about this topic but nothing was ever done about it. Pitchers have discussed,
amongst themselves, how they’d refused to throw to him...but the pitches still
came. Finally, after all this time, someone called him out in open forum. The
situation has been handled for now, but for how long? I’m giving it until the
Valley game.
Do you remember the Canadian cult classic movie called Diverted? It was about
a plane that was on route for New York City when the 9/11 attacks occurred.
This plane was then ‘diverted’ to Gander, Newfoundland, stranding 7000
passengers for four days until the American airspace reopened. It starred, major movie star, Shawn Ashmore, who played Bobby ‘Iceman’ Drake from the X-Men movies. It was
a huge deal at the time. Even though Ashmore was the big kahuna for the movie,
an actor starring in his first role completely stole the show. Who is it you
asked? Just read what Diverted Fan said at YouTube:
The classic
screech-in scene, from the movie Diverted, that all of Canada was talking
about. The movie starred X-Men's own Bobby Drake (The Iceman), aka Shawn Ashmore,
but that is not what had everyone gathered around their water coolers the
following morning, it was Ryan Foley. As tarheels40 said on IMDB, "Oscar's,
whores, and drunken antics are in your future Mr. Foley!" A star was born!
People to this day, still talk about this scene and the man behind it. They
have been perplexed for years, 'What ever happened to the guy who did the
screech-ins? He was so authentic, it's almost like he wasn't even acting!' Very
true words, indeed. Ryan decided the Hollywood lifestyle wasn't for him, so he
made a new career choice. Today, he has little 7 and 8 year old brats torturing
him on a daily basis in an unknown elementary school in St. John's. If only
they knew the greatness that surrounds them...
That’s right, folks. The former playoff
MVP, choose a life of spending countless hours with annoying children and to
better days at the Huck. A true role model, if I may so say myself. Here’s too
many more years of softball debauchery…
Here’s the video to his groundbreaking
role. Enjoy.
And now back to your regular scheduled programming...
What can you say about this group of guys? Every year they’re considered the second best team in the Classic and more often than not they have proven the masses wrong. Four time winners in six tries, that’s what I’d call an impressive resume. What are they doing that the other teams can’t seem to figure out? Is it playing with the heart of a champion? Never giving up? Trusting one another? Could it be their leadership? Is it all of these things? Whatever their formula is, they are obviously doing it the right way.
 |
| Will Kilbride, at the end of the day, prevail with another happy line shake? |
After losing to Valley in 2012 Classic finals, it seemed inevitable
that this group of guys would be playing for the silver medal from now on, that
they’d give themselves and a nice ole pat on the back and say, “Well, it was a good
run”. But these Kilbride skeet's have proven us all wrong, yet again. When facing elimination in
the last game of the round robin in ‘13, Kilbride took down the mighty Valley, keeping
their hopes alive. They would continue their hot streak by beating Valley in
the very next game, winning the Classic. Will Kilbride continue their dominate
play by capturing an unprecedented 5th Classic title?
 |
| Stitz' clutch play will be sorely missed. |
James B. Rodden is back in the saddle as captain of da ‘Bride,
leading the way at shortstop. He will be joined in the infield
with Billy Gorman taking over 3rd base duties from an injured Kirk
Stoyles. At 2nd base will be another injury fill, with Stu Power
making his debut with Kilbride in the Classic, taking over for another injured player,
Jonny Murphy. Luke Stoyles will play the other corner position, 1B. Michael “Mental”
Murphy will be on the mound for this crew, while the old savvy vet Phil Grouchy
will be behind the plate. The major question for this team is, how well can the
infield hold up without the consistency that Stitz and Jonny brought to the
club? Will the pressure of being called up to the “big leagues”, be too much
for Stuie to handle?
 |
| Will Murph Bonzes be booming doubles all day long? |
In the outfield, the baton has finally been passed on; with
JJ Dray passing the torch over to Ross Courtney in CF. Because of this move JJ
will now share duties in RF with Jeff Murphy. In LF will be another vet, Scott “’Skins”
Howell. Moe will be prowling in the outfield in his usual rover position. Jimmy
has decided a more futuristic approach to the outfield. Will his moves work out
or will he fall flat on his face?
On a conference call with the media, Jimmy was asked a
couple of questions regarding his troops; this is what he offered:
 |
| Jimmy and Phil talking strategy between games. |
“I am really feeling
that my game is at an all time HIGH, no pun intended (Laughs). I just played in
the all Alberta Masters Fast Pitch Championships, so those Valley bums should
be a cake walk. And as for my teammates, they are showing their love and
loyalty by coming out injured and changing positions to help the
team...(Laughs).”
From the sounds of it, Jimmy is not only confident in
himself but the rest of the team. They’re going to need it on Saturday.
Below is the projected depth chart and batting
order for Kilbride
Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Kilbride’s
odds of winning the Classic at 2-1
Kilbride Will Win If...
- No defensive infield let down.
- Their mental toughness reigns over the competition.
- Moe cranks out a couple of home runs.
- Another power hitter contributes besides Moe (Luke/Scott/Bonez?).
- Ross doesn’t drop the baton.
- The aging players all pass their drug test (PEDs, baby!).
CVD Prediction
2nd Place. After blowing their wad last year by reclaiming the championship, da ‘Bride are in for a bit of a letdown. Injuries, an aging
lineup, and the stress they went through by keeping their lineup in tact will
be enough to knock these guys off the ledge.
Kilbride vs Misfits = NET +4 (+14 Kilbride, -10
Misfits)
Kilbride vs Valley = NET -13 (+6 Kilbride, -19
Valley)
Kilbride vs Wild Rose = NET +5 (+14 Kilbride, -9
Wild Rose)
After four hard years of utter disappointment, the “best team on paper”,
Waterford Valley, finally conquered the Classic in 2012 by destroying the rest
of the field. Everybody assumed once these boys reached the peak of the
mountain, they’d never fall back down. Oh, how we were all wrong…
 |
| Can Valley regroup after last year's disappointment? |
I think it's turning back around
And I think I like it
And I think I like it
I
think it's turning back around
Though
I don't know why it is
I
think it's turning back on me
I'm
down on the upside
I
think it's turning back on me
Now
I'm the good ride
And
nothing's gonna put me out
It's
backing down and under
I'm
down on the upside now
It's
turning back around
Turning
back around
So have you guys heard that?
Valley are gonna turn this shit around! Leading the team this year is
the usual suspect Tommy Harris. He’ll be running and catching balls, all day
long, while throwing laser beams. In LF will be one of the many former gold
glovers on the roster, Robert Smith. Gord “I Will Piss In Your Mouth” Payne
will be backing him up. In CF, is CVD favorite, the “Older, Sexier, Brother”,
Kevin Condon. In RF is one of the lone bright spots from last year’s team Craig
Cowan.
 |
| Just another day at the office for Dave Pike. |
The infield, will be led by Dave
Pike who loves to field those tricky grounders. At 3rd is Andrew
John Condon, yes the “Younger, Less Sexy, Brother”. At 2nd base the
starter will be the youngest member of the squad, Chris Murphy. He’ll be backed
up by arguably the most consistent Valley hitter throughout the Classic’s
history, Chris Jacobs. Former league MVP, Rick Smith, is making his return to
the Valley roster after missing out on last year’s event. Rick will play 1B. Steve
Kenny, will be chucking pitches all day from the mound, with the Classic’s
former commish Skinny Whitten, who is also making a return to the Classic after
an one year absence, behind the plate.
 |
| Is this a man who can put his ego aside for the greater good? |
Questions looming from the
roster are, will Aoo Dogg regain his hitting form after hitting an inexcusable
.238 so far in the regular season? Is Skinny’s ego going to be in check after
being banished to the confines of backstop over his normal 2B position? Can
Valley regroup, and put on another display for the ages as they did in ’12? Will Rick Smith’s return bring them jubilee?
Below is the projected depth chart and batting
order for Waterford Valley
Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Valley’s
odds of winning the Classic at 5-3
Valley Will Win If...
- They communicate as one functioning unit.
- Eliminate mental blunders.
- Koo keeps eating hotdogs.
- Splinter avoids allowing home runs in crucial situations.
- Timely hitting when runners are in scoring position.
- Stay positive!
CVD Prediction
1st place. Champions of the '14 Classic. This is the year Valley goes
back to the basics. Simple ball, smooth and easy. They are, "gonna wear
them happy shoes tonight"!
Valley vs Kilbride = NET +13 (+19 Valley, -6
Kilbride)
Valley vs Misfits = NET +18 (+22 Valley, -4
Misifts)
Valley vs Wild Rose = NET +19 (+23 Valley, -4 Wild
Rose)
MVP
Everyone, whoever wore the black and gold.
In Closing…
After all the games are over, Valley will be treating themselves to all sorts
of shit, like "clothes…fragrances…massages…mimosas…fine leather goods”.
All are welcomed to join in on the party. Treat Yo’ Self, 2014! It’s the best
day of the year!
