2016 Classic: Preview

Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)

After hearts were shattered and friendships nearly broken, everyone’s favorite event was put on hold for the friendlier, more Kumbaya, Club Championship tournament last year. Now after a one year sabbatical, yes, the Classic is back and better than ever! Or is it?

Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya...

Let me skip past the debacle of the aftermath of the ’14 Classic (because frankly, enough time was spent on it) and talk about the now. After last year’s Club Championship (which I boycotted and very nearly went into permanent retirement), for many of the people involved it was a terrific day but it seemed to be missing the pizzazz of previous years. On top of this, there was very little talk of what was going to go down on the last Saturday in July this year. The odd comment or hushed tone would come out from time to time but nobody wanted to take the reins towards what was actually going to occur. Then a late night, behind the scenes, email changed history forever.

Steve “Madge” Brown thought enough is enough, it’s time for a change, and sent out a Morse code message to the other league leaders, telling his fellow friends and foes to drop the bullshit and let’s get back to basics and bring back the ole Classic. Each team has to pick 10-12 players and whoever shows up is in. The other members of this group all agreed and a treaty was signed and delivered. The Classic was officially back! The one downside for the tournament is due to the lateness of confirming its revival, some players who may have worked their schedules around making it, didn't really have the chance to.

Alright, so now that we’re done with how the Classic is back, let’s talk about the teams and make some predictions.

Sharky's status is Wild Rose's looming issue

Wild Rose are making their second appearance in the Classic. This time around, the team is led by Captain Steve Brown. Brownie, the new savior of the tournament, may have a stacked deck going against him. First of all, Trevor “Chuggis” Burke was a late scratch to the tournament. This is a huge loss for the team seeing how Chuggy has been one of the better hitters in the league. This year he is 3^rd in the league in hitting, with a scorching .618 BA. To go along with this he finished 6^th in the league with a .550 BA last year. This is irreplaceable. To go along with his amazing bat he was expected to play arguably the most important defensive position in the game, shortstop. To add to their potential misery, Chris Whelan as of last word, wasn’t sure if or how much he could play.  Sharky has easily been one of the league’s all-time great hitters, leading the league in home runs only last season.

Wild Rose’s roster consists of Sharky, potentially in left field, Super Spear Bob Kent in LF and Brownie in RF. Mark Howell will probably play in rover.

Kirk Stoyles is making his debut as a Wild Rose member

The infield will consist of the latest team defector, former Kilbrider, Kirk Stoyles on 3^rd, Greg Buck on short, Dave Penney on 2^nd, Nate Martin on 1^st, and former KSSLer Craig Sheppard behind the backstop. Chris Ryan will probably be pitching.

This is a decent lineup, but with Chuggy out of the lineup and Shark’s playing time a question mark, Wild Rose is basically a team in flux.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Wild Rose.

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Wild Rose’s odds of winning the Classic at 6-1

Wild Rose Will Win If...

• Shark has to play and play very well.
• Buck and his bad case of the ipps suddenly vanishes and he continues to hit the ball at an elite level.
• Bob Kent has to be prove he can play CF (I have no idea if he can).
• Brownie has to be playoff MVP Brownie, not selfish solo home run Brownie.
• Stits’ Classic experience has to rub off on the rest of the guys.

CVD Prediction

4^th Place. Wild Rose were initially going to be my sleeper pick to win the whole thing but with the definite loss of Chuggy and Shark’s status up in the air, along with two guys on the roster who haven’t even played a game all year, it’s hard to see this team going far. They still have talent but it’s probably too much to ask for everyone to play great at the same time. In the end I only see grim hearts and black roses for their future.

These former champs are led by the Chad Whelan, the Classic’s version of Ocavio Dotel. Ched has played on every conceivable version of a team during the Classic’s entire history, anywhere from Valley to the likes of The Rejects. This year brings his second tenure as the Misfits Captain.

After shocking all of Kilbride with a Classic title in ’09, it’s been all downhill for these lovable bunch of misfits. Can the worm turn once again for this ragtag group? 

Will wifey give Reggie the go for Saturday?

The outfield consists of Ched in LF, Adam Fitz, who has taken his game to a new level this year (currently hitting .515), in CF and CVD favorite Jason “Reggie” Hedges possibly in RF. A big shout out goes out to Reggie for his newly minted two-time dad status. Reggie was a game time decision because his other half had her due date set on for Classic day, but seeing how she had a baby girl a couple of days earlier than expected, he may just be able to make it. Making up the rest of the outfield is Paul Brothers who will play rover (there’s also a possibility we may see him at SS).

The infield consists of former gold glover, and longtime Misfit great, Dexter Spurrell at 3^rd, Misfits legend Adam Smith at short, Colin Piercey at 2^nd, a combo of Ryan Foley and Corey “Goyboy” Goyman at 1^st and Keith “Weiner” Lee behind the plate. Stu Power, who is coming into the Classic red hot with his amazing assortment of pitches will be on the mound. Rounding out the roster is potentially Sebastien “Baze” Vallin. Poor Baze-O unfortunately showed up to the Huck last Saturday thinking it was the Classic and work commitments might force him out this week.

Also of note, apparently Fake Name may not be able to play the entire day so you may see some kind of combo swapping of Adam, Brothers and Colin at SS, 2^nd and rover. They’re all flexible enough to move around.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for the Misfits.

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists the Misfits odds of winning the Classic at 5-1

The Misfits Will Win If...

• Adam has to play, period.
• Ched has to play like Ched, well actually maybe even a tad better.
• A few guys in the bottom order have to step it up (Foley/Goyboy/Weiner/Stu).
• Whoever they go with at short has to get the job done defensively.
• Brothers’ bat in past years has to make a return (his current AVG just isn't cutting it!).

CVD Prediction

3rd Place. This is another solid lineup but one thing that may go against them is the possibility of having 13 players (is Ryan Clarke playing in this?) on the roster. With this amount it could lead to diluting the batting lineup a bit. Even so, they have a very solid outfield and the infield has players that can move around, if need be. They also have the top end quality players that you need to win a tourney, so they actually have a real shot at winning this thing. Having said that, at the end of the day I feel they’re going to go only where eagles dare, falling short of the championship game.

Let’s interrupt your scheduled programming for a brief intermission…

A year or so ago I was watching some sporting event. I can’t remember exactly what it was but it was a pretty big event, something along the lines of the AFC Championship game or one of the major sports all-star games. Lo and behold the main halftime act was the guy above, this Latino suave douchebag. Just look at him, don’t you just wanna jab the fucker in his throat? He had all the bitches up at the stage dancing around him like he was hot shit. Then I found out he goes by the name Pitbull. What in the fuck is wrong with people that they actually get their kicks off of some bald headed asshole Latino rapper? Not cool…at all. Recently Joe Mande (aka the Internet Rascal), a writer/actor/standup comedian, from the likes of Parks & Rec, The Master of None, and the upcoming The Good Place, has been re-tweeting “Mr. Worldwide’s” (he actually calls himself this) tweets. It’s quite possibly the funniest shit I've seen since Bill Burr talked about how John Lennon was pussy whipped by Yoko Ono.

Currently Pitbull has 22.3 million twitter followers. Simply, it’s astonishing. What’s next, the Scientologists are going to take over the world?

Here are some of the gems Pitbull has posted. On Monday and Tuesdays he’s all about motivation.

What a motivator! I love how he always has some ridiculous photo of himself added in. What a dude!

On Wednesdays, it’s all about wisdom.

That’s right, keep your friends close. So how about Saturdays, you ask?

Shit, someone should just give him an award...oh wait!

If you thought those tweets were any good, check out my favorite tweet. Introducing Little Mr. Worldwide!

Simply remarkable. Congrats Pitbull on being one of the top humblebragger’s kicking it in twitterverse!

And now back to our regular scheduling….

For the first time in Classic history, Kilbride will be without one of the KSSL’s founding fathers and

The founding fathers: Gone but not forgotten

team Captain Jimmy Rodden. It is truly a sad day, indeed, but the game’s must go on. You will be missed JR!

This year, KSSL legend, and arguably the league’s all-time home run leader, Morely Smith takes over the captaincy. Big shoes to fill there shoeless! The Classic’s all-time leader in championships have a tough challenge ahead of them after getting bitch slapped all over the field in the most recent Classic. Can this team regroup as they did in 2013 (when they recovered after being ousted in the ’12 Classic) or has remnants of a past life been finally consumed?

The primary issue Kilbride has going into the weekend is the lack of outfielders. Gone this year will be Jeff Murphy, Scott Howell and Ross Courtney. Question marks surround every spot except for the one sure bet of JJ Dray playing in CF. Are Kilbride going to go with Mike Brock or Moe in LF? Moe has always been the measuring stick when it comes to rovers but they may decide to go with Brock instead, a position he’s probably more comfortable with. Right field is also a question mark. This is basically due to the remaining players on the roster being filled with infielders. Out of all the infielders, perhaps the best bet to stick out into the swirling winds of RF is Keith Pope. I really don’t see any other options (maybe Bairdo?) unless they go with Moe and Brock at the corner OF spots and have one of the infielders play rover. It will be interesting to see what Moe’s strategy is.

The infield, while more secure than the outfield, also has a fairly large question mark of its own. Who is going to play SS? The options are Keith Pope (who I already mentioned as the main candidate to switch to the outfield), Billy Gorman and Scott Murphy. I’m thinking Scottie gets the first shot and Billy G protects 3^rd base. At 2^nd base Jonny Murphy will probably get the start but Bairdo will get his fair share of reps at 2^nd and 1^{st base}. Luke Stoyles will start at 1^st, with Phil Grouchy at catcher. Michael “Mental” Murphy will get the start at the mound.

One thing of note, some new blood has been added to the Kilbide roster this season, with former longtime Misfits mainstays Mike Brock and Mike Baird being “called up”.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Kilbride.

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Kilbride’s odds of winning the Classic at 3-1

Kilbride Will Win If...

• Moe, Brock, and Luke act like a fearsome triplets tandem.
• The RF steps up and avoids being picked on.
• They continue their “Never give up, never surrender!” mentality and activate the Omega-13.
• Have to figure out who plays SS and quickly!
• PEDS, stat!

CVD Prediction

2^nd Place. The four-time champions just squeak into the finals but the huge hole in the outfield and no real everyday shortstop stops them short in obtaining them a fifth trophy.

The reigning champs, the Mighty Mighty Valley, are coming off the biggest spanking in Classic history. After the shellacking they gave the rest of the teams, everyone got really upset and started turning on each other. Can everyone just get along or will Valley permanently put an end to the traditional style Classic tournament forever?

Taking over the Captaincy this year once again is former Captain Kevin “Koo” Condon. The last time he held this role he was jumping into the fish tank with his tighty whitey’s. Not his finest hour. Can Koo put an end to his shame or will he lead the Valley to victory? 

The outfield consists of Koo in LF (former gold glover), Robert Smith in CF (former gold glover) and Gord Payne (not a former gold glover) in rover. Way to let the outfield down there Gordo! Scott Cullen may play RF (Gord and Scotty could flip flop in this role). I’m in the dark about what Koo is thinking at this moment.

MIA: Dave Pike, Andrew Condon, Tommy Harris, Chris Murphy,
Craig Cowan (not pictured)

Now here is where things begin to get dicey for Valley. Dave Pike was already out because of prior commitments to a National tournament he’s in (way to go Pikey for being awesome!) and word just got out that Andrew John Condon is going to be MIA. This loss hurts a lot because Tommy Harris, the worlds most dedicated son, has to celebrate his mother’s birthday at approximately 1 pm, rendering him only available for the first two games. The infield’s lineup for the first two games will consist possibly of Joey Cole at 3^rd, Tommy at SS (Gold Glover!), a very hung over Steven “Skinny” Whitten (Gold Glover!), who will be coming off celebrating his 20^th year high school reunion only hours before, at 2^nd, last season’s league’s MVP Rick Smith at 1^st and Chris Jacobs behind the plate. Steve Kenny will round off the roster as the starting pitcher.

So what will Valley do when Tommy has to go? Perhaps Koo will move up to SS, with Gordo and Scotty taking the corner outfield spots and someone like Joey taking over at rover. Jacobs will have to move to one of the infield spots and a catcher may have to be thrown in from the bleachers. Or maybe Valley will only play with three outfielders. Potential interesting scenarios!

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Waterford Valley.

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Valley’s odds of winning the Classic at 2-1

Valley Will Win If...

• They play terrific defense as in past championship years.
• Koo keeps eating hotdogs.
• Must avoid any late game blunders.
• Koo continues to eat those filthy hotdogs.
• Have to hit well when runners are in scoring position
• Koo = hotdogs
• Someone besides Rick has to be a threat with the deep ball

CVD Prediction

1st Place. Champions of the ‘16 Classic. Even with a couple of the league’s best players missing from their roster, Valley still has the best defensive and deepest roster in the tourney. This year they should come one step closer into cutting into Kilbride’s lead for most Classic championships. Happy days are certainly ahead!

MVP

Kevin Condon. After being forced into playing SS, in the second half of the day, after the top 3 in the depth chart went MIA, Koo will step up and show everybody who is boss by making countless stabs, leading the Valley to their second consecutive Classic.

In Closing…

No matter what happens on Saturday it should be a fun filled day with beers, food, games, family and friends, and hopefully very little rain. Thing is, at the end of the day Valley will be showing how they really wear their cleats.