2017 Classic: Preview

Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)

It’s that time of the year again, folks. It’s time to treat yo self, as Tom and Donna have been known to do, and scream “It’s the best day of the year!”. Yes, that’s right, the Classic it back, baby!

After last season’s classic game between the mighty Valley and the Misfits, everyone’s blood is running on high, to get the sweet taste of beer out of the Classic’s cup. Everything is up for grabs. Friendships are bound to be destroyed, Weiner may fall into a ditch again, and Koo Condon is destined to retain his hot dog championship medal. Now on to the predictions!

No hugs for Luke this year , courtesy of the 'bride.

After the controversy of years past, Wild Rose are still chugging along, looking to finally breakout in the Classic, after basically sucking it up since this expansion team formed.

This year, will new controversies appear after the late switch in regards to Chris Murphy going back to his rightful team Valley, and swapping him out for Brian Humby? We shall see…

Once again, the team is led by Captain Steve “ Madge” Brown, who is destined to look like a complete fool in CF. Imagine that! Rounding out the rest of the outfield will be former captain Chris “Sharky” Whelan in LF, ‘the better Howell” Mark in RF, and Bob “Super Spear” Kent at rover. It’s possible BK and Howell will swap spots.

The infield will consist of Trevor Burke at SS, former Kilbride hero Kirk Stoyles at 3rd, the latest addition to the team, Humby at 2nd, Nate “Turn on the Jet Pack” Martin at 1st and Weiner and Chris Ryan splitting catching duties. Another Kilbride legend Luke Stoyles, makes his debut for Wild Rose at pitcher.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Wild Rose. 

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Wild Rose’s odds of winning the Classic at 5-1 

Wild Rose Will Win If... 

• Chuggy has to take the stick out of his ass and avoid hitting solo home runs.
• Shark has to take the stick out of his ass and avoid hitting solo home runs.
• Brownie has to take the stick out of his ass and avoid hitting solo home runs.
• The Stoyles bros played like they did for Kilbride circa 2010-13.
• At least ½ of the bottom half of the order have to come through.

CVD Prediction

4th Place. Wild Rose are too top heavy. I don’t think the bottom tier guys can get ‘er done. It’s going to be a lonely day for the squad.

 After an embarrassing performance in last year’s Classic, Kilbride look to rebound, by adding a couple of past ghosts to their lineup. Will it be enough or will this aging group sink even further?

Will Thompson's return mean Kilbride will be drinking from the cup?

Leading the team off again this year, at rover, is captain Morely Smith, who is coming off a mental breakdown of epic proportions, after Ryan Foley rolled a few balls in on him a few weeks back. Can Shoeless overcome his disgust of a lack of quality pitches or will he come through as he has in the past. The remaining outfield will have JJ Dray and Scott Howell splitting duties in LF, the return of former player Ross Courtney in CF and Jeff Murph Bonez in RF.

 The infield is to say, shaky at best. Billy Gorman will probably play 3rd base, Scott Murphy will possibly play SS, Mike Baird will play 2nd base and Jonny Murphy will round it off at 1st. You may see Billy play a bit of SS and the other guys can honestly fill at any of the other spots. All I can say is … a bag of holes! Mental Murphy will take the mound and former Kilbride legend Jason Thompson makes he’s long awaited return at catcher (I have no idea where he will play in all honesty). CVD favaorite Mike Brock will also get into the mix at 3rd base.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Kilbride Kilbride 

Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Kilbride’s odds of winning the Classic at 4-1 Kilbride 

Will Win If...

• Thompson plays like a superstar, not Willie Mays of the Mets
• The infield has to play solid D
• Moe avoids being a big baby
• Jeff Murphy starts to hit. Word!
• PEDS, stat! Yes PEDS!

CVD Prediction 

3rd Place. The IF just doesn’t match up. They have a few big boppers and their outfield is very good, but all they’ll be feeling is a whole lotta flatlands.

It was the back pedal that never happened. After last season’s demoralizing defeat while leading by 3 or 4 runs with only 1 out to go, and after Stu Power failed to catch Weiner’s little pop fly that started the winning rally, can the Misfits let sleeping dogs lie, and bounce back claiming their 2nd Classic

Father of the Year Jason Hedges, celebrating good times

title?

The outfield is lead by reigning triple crown winner and league MVP, captain Ched Whelan in LF. The outfield is pretty fucking stacked with Dave Gosse in CF and Adam Fitz in RF. That shit is pretty stellar. Colin Piercey will be moving around all day but will probably get the majority of his reps at rover. MIA this year is Father of the Year Jason Hedges, who in the future is going to have to come up with a new birthday date for his lovely daughter.

The infield is led by former Misfits captain Adam “Fake Name” Smith. All of the teams up here should pray he hits as good as he does in fast pitch. Rounding off the rest of the infield is former gold glover Dexter Spurrell at 3rd, new league member Wayne Dillon at 2nd, with Ryan Clarke getting his share of looks there as well, and Ryan Foley at 1st. You may see Nick “Goffy” McDonald gets some looks at 1st and catcher but I have a sneaking suspicion a player from this team is going to be sent to Wild Rose, with Blair Marshall’s late dropout. The dynamic duo of Stu Power and Sebastien Vallin will in all likelihood be behind the plate. Another new league member Dave Rowsell will probably pitch because Ched says, “he throws junk like nobody in the league has”.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for the Misfits. 

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists the Misfits odds of winning the Classic at 3-1 

The Misfits Will Win If...

• The outfield outplays Valley’s
• Ched’s secret weapon Rowsell continues to fool hitters
• A few of the underlings (Clarke, Foley, Stu, Baze) step it up.
• Smitty can’t be bobbling balls at the rate he has in the regular season.
• Fitz plays like he did in the first 7 weeks of the season, not week 8

CVD Prediction 

2nd Place. The outfield is simply loaded. Rowsell has been baffling hitters all year, but will last year’s complete mental breakdown continue to haunt them? I believe the earth won’t be humming for these guys.

The team of destiny! The greatest show on dirt and grass! After destroying the entire field in round robin play in last year’s Classic, the Mighty Valley had their backs against the wall in the championship game. It took an 8 inning game (nobody knew if it was 7 or 9 inning by the 4th inning, so it was agreed to make it 8) for Valley to rally back to win the game. They really needed that extra inning. If it wasn’t for Valley hater turned Valley player, Keith “Weiner” Lee’s clutch two out hit, it would have all been over. But the gods were on the side of Valley that day, and as President Adama would say “So say we all!”

The Mighty Valley are the reigning back-to-back champions, and they are going out to claim the first three peat in Classic history. Can they succeed in doing what Kilbride failed to do years ago?

The Brothers Smith will be missed

Returning as captain again this year is the undisputed Classic hot dog champion Kevin “Koo” Condon in CF. In LF will be the league’s current HR and RBI leader Gord Payne. In RF will be Scott Cullen, and back at rover after missing last year’s Classic, because he’s a totally awesome son unlike a fellow Valley player who shall remain nameless, is former captain Tommy Harris. Tommy has retired from regular season play so will his absence of using shitty bats hinder his abilities?

The infield consists of current batting average leader (although he doesn’t quality as of now) Andrew “Aoo” Condon at 3rd base, the league’s greatest defensive SS Dave Pike, and former Classic commish Skinny Whitten. Chris Murph will move around and play everywhere and Joey Cole will be used to spell Skinny for bit. Freddy Cox makes his Valley debut behind the backstop, and another Valley newbie Cory “Trevor” Walsh will probably move around a bit as well (1st, C?). The self anointed greatest KSSL pitcher of all time Steve Kenny will be chucking the ball from the mound.

The big question mark for Valley is the loss of three legends, brothers Rick and Robert Smith, and Chris Jabobs. Rick was the hero in last year’s Classic, ripping a walk off double for the win, and to go with being arguably the greatest and most dangerous hitter in league history, this is a gigantic loss. Then there’s Robbie, who is arguably the best defensive outfielder in league history. Then throw in Jakes huge bat, this is a lot of shit to overcome. Can Valley do it?

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Waterford Valley.

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Valley’s odds of winning the Classic at 2-1 

Valley Will Win If... 

• Defense, defense, defense
• Koo keeps eating hotdogs
• Gordo doesn’t go crazy Gordo
• Koo continues to eat those dirty dogs
• Pikey has to get out of his hitting slump • Koo = hotdogs
• Need at least one reliable HR hitter

CVD Prediction 

1st Place. Champions of the ‘17 Classic. Yeah, they’re losing three huge players, but the team is stacked from A to Z. The infield is sick defensively and even with Robbie gone, all four outfield spots are pluses. Going for the three peat means there is no team this hungry…

MVP: Gord Payne. He’s hot, no no no, he’s GORGEOUS!!!


In Closing…

Sorry for the half ass report. Blame Steve Brown for being a slave trader. True story... See ya at the field!