In the Mind of Cletus: 2018 Classic: Preview

Cletus Van Damme (cletus_van_damme@hotmail.com)

The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! 1951 – It was The Shot Heard ‘Round the World. 67 years later, it’s still the most iconic play call in baseball history. 2017 – The Classic, with its own version; the play that has been called ‘the greatest moment in KSSL history’, Splinter hits a grand slam! Splinter hits a grand slam! I cannot believe it! It created whispers in the wind, spreading like wildfire – The Shot Heard ‘Round Kilbride…

Finally we are back, for everyone’s favorite day of the year, the 10^th edition of the Classic (It started off with a 1 year experimental Olympic like program, where nobody won, and in between there was the Club Championship). This year is looking to be the most competitive classic in its history. There is much more parity than ever. On paper, any team can truly win it this year; no blowing it up your ass. Can Valley overcome all challengers, some late edition losses to the roster, by becoming a quad squad, winning four titles in a row? After last year’s legendary game between Valley and Wild Rose, which lead to the Mighty Valley claiming their third title in a row (beating Kilbride in the finals), can the Classic, once again, upstage itself? On to the predictions…

After the embarrassment of the ’16 Classic, Kilbride bounced back somewhat last year, before losing in the finals, making it believable that they could once again strike fire by taking down another Classic championship. The team I’ve nagged on for years, for being ancient, has lowered their average age drastically,

Reggie has crossed over to the dark side

but you can’t fool anybody boys! Adding one 19 year old kid doesn’t suddenly make the rest of you guys younger! Even so, da Bride have added a couple of solid additions to their roster, with original teammate and long standing member, Luke Stoyles, returning to the team after playing for Wild Rose last year. Can Kilbride bounch back even further, by breaking the tie with Valley, winning a record 5^th Classic title?

Morely Smith is back as captain at ~~rover~~, no wait … shortstop? Is this real? I think realistically it’s the only possibility. The team is really missing an elite range infielder. It is filled with corner infielder and 2^nd basemen, so who else can fill this position? Moe did play a game at SS a few weeks back, and had a really good game there. The rest of infield will probably consist of some combo of Jonny Murph/Thompson/Rob at third and 2^nd base. I suppose they’ll move around a bit, with Paul Crane filling in at 1^st. Jason Stead, making possibly his 1^st Classic, will also help behind the plate and may get an inning or two per game at 1^st. Nick McDonald will man the backstop, with Luke returning as pitcher.

The outfield is a lot more stable, even with the potential loss of Moe, with Cletus Van Damme’s all-time favorite player Jason Hedges, making the call up to the Kilbride squad. The man we all call Reggie has been the most improved player in the league this year. He was always lethal behind the plate, but his defense has improved tenfold this year. No longer are the days where he’d let the ball drop in. Rounding out the outfield will be Jeff Murphy at CF, Kilbride living legend JJ Dray in RF, and Mike “’Lil Esso” Williams at rover.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Kilbride

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Kilbride’s odds of winning the Classic at 4-1

Kilbride Will Win If...

Moe plays solid at short
Jeff Murphy plays like he can
Thompson plays more along the lines of 2012 Thompson, not of 2017.
PEDS, stat! PEDS!

Where are my supplements?

I need my supplements

Where are my supplements?

I need my supplements

CVD Prediction

4^th Place. The top 7 hitters in the order are pretty dynamic, but I’m worried about how strong the infield will be, especially if Moe stays at rover. At the end of the day, the angels will be weeping in Kilbride.

Oh, poor Wild Rose. They were so close to going to the finals last year, all they could do was taste the sweet nectar of a championship title. Unfortunately for these dumb dumbs, their dreams were quickly shattered by the unlikeliest of heroes. With only one out remanining in the game, after a controversial walk, loading the bases, it set the stage for Steve Kenny to channel his inner Bobby Thompson strength, hitting a grand salami, tying the game! The bleecher creatures were never this loud, erupting into utter shock and applause, and I'd imagine the only thing that went into the minds of Wild Rose must have been, as GOB Bluth would say, I’ve made a huge mistake. Wild Rose would shortly afterwards lose in extra inings, with the hangover of this soul crushing defeat being too much to overcome, losing to Kilbride in the semi-finals.

The question is, has Wild Rose learned from their past mistakes, and will the addition of a few new neighborhood league members finally put this team over the top?

Will Wild Rose collapse as Blart did on this ill fated day?

The outfield is a solid bunch, consisting with team Captain Steve Brown in RF, the man once known as ‘Super Spear’ Bob Kent in CF, and former team Captain Chris Whelan sharing duties in LF with new league member Mike Kenny. Trevor ‘Chuggy” Burke will be roaming around in rover.

The infield is better than it ever has been with new team members Jason Fleming and Paul Brothers taking over at SS and 3^rd base respectively. That’s a solid left side of the field. Dave Penney and Nate Martin will share the job at 2^nd base, Blair Marshall at 1^st base, and Keith ‘Weiner’ Lee behind the plate. Finally, Jason Whelan will be chucking the ball.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Wild Rose.

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Wild Rose’s odds of winning the Classic at 4-1

Wild Rose Will Win If...

Chuggy actually hustles for once (no twice, he actually ran hard on a grounder last week! That’s called progess)
Brownie/Fleming/Shark: 2 out of 3 have to play huge
Playoff MVP Nate Dogg shows up
The bottom 3 of the lineup can’t hit at the clip they’ve done so far in the regular season
The team plays with the passion of Dr. Hook in the video below (check it out!)

CVD Prediction

3^rd Place. Wild Rose are deeper than ever, but the bottom of the order is a little shaky. Predicted low winds on the day, may mean more balls being hit into the gaps, and there are two other teams with better defensive outfields. Unless this team has Carrie, to carry them, they’ll fall just short of the finals.

Let’s interrupt your scheduled programming for a brief intermission…

I’d like to introduce a special columnist and a great friend of mine Jimmy Rodden. If you didn’t know before, Jimmy is one of the founders of the delicious league we all get to be a part of, the KSSL. He was also the long-time Captain for Kilbride before he moved away to Alberta. Jimmy loves the Classic so much he even flew home just to play in it the first year he went away. He just couldn’t get enough. So let me shut the fuck up and let Jimmy tell you his story.

Jimmy Rodden ‘Why I Love the Classic’

When the Classic started it was Kilbride vs "the Valley", just like it was in all my youth.....our biggest rivalry. I went to the field with hate in my bones for those annoying Bumble Bees. Of course it didn’t help that they got the best of us most of the times. I remember us eliminating them in the 16 under provincials, Herb Stead grounded out to me at second base to end the game.....I was taunting him as the ball came to me!! Then as we aged and made our way to the Huck, the faces changed but the annoying squad known as the Valley remained.

The fact that they were younger, and yes better on paper, made it more fun when we beat them!! But enough

The founding fathers.

of that, yes the Classic is about competition, but it is the bonding, seeing my buddies. Trying to stay sober like the Valley so we can perform in the championship game, and ultimately ending up all messed up!! There is also the legendary performances, Dwayne Prince and the Misfits. And the one I never seen, and even though it was "the Valley".....walking a hitter to pitch to Steve Kenny only to be burned. How about Blair Marshall putting his life on the line as he attempted to take on the kegs next to the field, lol? I was playing poker with Larry Marshall recently, and to buy back in you had to also eat some Kibbles and Bits.....yes dog food. And as Larry happily ate the Kibbles I thought of Blart dancing on the keg. The fact that the classic is different now, more competitive is surely a good thing, as well, and I hope to be a part of it soon. I love the mocking, cheering, jeering at the field throughout the day and the post classic party at Luke’s. It kills me to miss my 3rd straight classic, but what I miss the most and love the most about the classic is putting on the Red with JJ, Thompson, Johnny, Moe, Luke, Phil, and company and taking Pride in Kilbride!!

Jimmy, that was beautiful! As the founder of the league, we all thank you!

Hey fella’s check this out. ALC finally added us to Pro-Line. Get your bets in!

Now back to your regular scheduling progam….

Ched Whelan thought he had it all figured out last year. The captain of this ragtag loveable bunch was totally

Ched is literally the only player on the Misfits I have an image of.
It's probably time we updated our photography.

convinced he had a secret weapon to unleash, Trojan horsing the entire Classic. He would one up them all. Aha! His Weapon X? Knuckleball thrower Dave Rowsell. The problem for the Misifts was Rowsell never knew how dear the Classic is to all of our hearts. His ole buddy Madge told him it was cool to get wasted. The issue at hand is Rowsell didn’t seem to understand that Brownie was talking about the day of the Classic, not the night before. So here is Rowsell showing up to the classic still half drunk, with little sleep. What a guy! The solution to this was, an elite pitcher completely falling on his face, and letting his troopers down. So what I have to ask is, what is Rowsell up to on the eve of the Classic?

The Misfits have arguably the best outfield in the tourney with former league MVP Ched leading the way in LF. David Gosse will be tracking shit down from CF, and the league’s version of Charlie Hustle, Adam Fitz in right. Ryan Clarke will probably take a stab at it in rover.

The infield will have Jays Captain Colin starting at SS. His fellow Jays members former gold glover Dexter Spurrell at 3^rd, Wayne Dillon at 2^nd, and Ryan Foley at C. Dan O’Leary and Stu Power will share 1^st base duties, and Weapon X Rowsell taking the mound.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for the Misfits.

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists the Misfits odds of winning the Classic at 4-1

The Misfits Will Win If...

· Rowsell is not a dick, and hits like he has in the regular season

· Gosse gets on base consistently

· Colin makes the easy plays

· Fitz = Rose
· Ched plays like He-Man, as he has done many times before

CVD Prediction

2^nd Place. The outfield doesn’t quite rival the Valley’s historic OF from a few years ago, but it’s pretty damn good. This is a solid roster from top to bottom, with better than average bottom of the order players, but at the end of the day I think this team will be the bridesmaids of the tourney. Don’t you know your Queen?

The team who is famous for blasting out to Europe’s The Final Countdown every chance they can get, have most certainly not played like anything is final for them, except for the other teams incapability towards beating them. The Mighty Valley have now won three straight Classic championships, back-to-back in dramatic fashion. Not bad for a team that could never grind one out. Fake news! After Steve Kenny hit and danced (oh that dance!) last year as if he was Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine, can this elite squad finally be taken down?

If there was ever a year for the Valley to fall, this could be it. Again, the parity amongst the four teams is the best there ever has been, and on top of this, Valley has, just as last year, lost a couple of big bodies. The days of the Smith Bros, Pikey and Jacobs may be gone forever. The other question is, who to put on SS and RF?

Koo has some tough tactical decisions to decide.

Back at the helm for the third straight year is the never ending Classic hot dog champion, Kevin “Koo” Condon. Koo has primarily played in the outfield throughout his KSSL tenure, but a few years back, when body after body dropped he switched over to SS, leading the way for Valley. He made the fulltime switch to SS this season and has easily been the best SS this regular season. Valley have been known for their shutdown D, especially with its daunting defensive OF with Robbie Smith and Koo Dogg being the mainstays. Gord Payne, Craig Cowen, Chris Murphy, and Scott Cullen have usually filled in the remaining corner outfield positon with huge success. So what exactly are Valley going to do with an abundance of infielders on their roster this year? The thinking here is that Koo goes back to his old stomping ground in CF, with Gordo (LF) and Scotty (RF) filling out the corners. If Koo stays at SS, expect Gord to play CF, Scotty LF, and Skinny or Freddie in RF. Tommy Harris will round out the OF, playing the God’s gift of luxury role, over at rover.

In the infield there are a few more questions. Koo may stay at SS, and even Tommy is a possibily to play there. I’m thinking Andrew “Dusty” Northcott or Aoo Dogg may take the helm. Pretty much nobody has really seen what Dusty has been up to in years, but rumour has it Joey Cole was caught telling someone “He’s in midseason form”. If that is the case, Aoo Dogg will stay at his best position 3^rd base, former gold glover and original Classic commish Skinny Whitten at 2^nd, Joey Cole at 1^st, and last year’s Classic MVP Kenny behind the mound. Freddie Cox and Sebastien “Baze” Vallin will handle catching duties.

Another thing of note, Trevor Walsh was supposed to play with Valley this week but unfortunately his wife’s uncle passed away in an unfortunate accident. Our thought’s are with you buddy. Take care.

Below is the projected depth chart and batting order for Waterford Valley.

Kilbride Lotto Corporation (KLC) lists Valley’s odds of winning the Classic at 5-2

Valley Will Win If...

Someone hits a grand slam for them with one out remaining in the game
Koo keeps eating hotdogs
One reliable, or unexpective, power hitter emerges
Koo continues to eat those dirty dogs.
If Koo goes in the outfield whoever plays SS has to do work
Koo = hotdogs
If Koo plays short whoever is in RF has to do work
As always with Valley, it’s all about defense

CVD Prediction

1^st Place. Champions of the ‘18 Classic. Just like last year, Valley are out another one of their superstars but they still have arguably the deepest roster in the tourney. You come at the King, you best not miss.